Enter Slimly With Slim Hopes

Lord Slimly: Is Lady Mishap receiving visits today?
Butler Burnett: No, I'm afraid not, sir.
Lord Slimly: Good, we will not be interupted then.
Butler Burnett: But she does have a headache.
Lord Slimly: She'll have an even bigger one if she doesn't hear my news. She needs to be
prepared for something on the horizon.
Butler Burnett: On the horizon, sire?
Lord Slimly: Yes, and not just the sun. Something more dazzling in horrification. That IS a
word isn't it, Burnett?
Butler Burnett: I'll let you in and avoid the question.
Lord Slimly: Smart move, if not as quite as smart as if you would have answered it.
Lady Mishap: Is that Lord Slimly I hear?
Butler Burnett: Yes, but I thought you weren't receiving my dear.
Lady Mishap: To anyone but him I aren't. Do come in, Lord Slimly. My study awaits.
Lord Slimly: I can't wait to study it, tho I have news unbecoming to the no doubt tranquility
of it.
Lady Mishap: Oh, it sounds awful. I can't wait to hear it.
Lord Slimly: You shouldn't wish what you don't yet know, you know.
Lady Mishap: I kind of think surprizes serve to spice things up a bit. There's no end to the things
we learn - sometimes about ourselves - that we didn't know.
Lord Slimly: I tend to know everything I'm doing when I'm doing it, but not before.
Lady Mishap: You're quite the inspiration, I agree.
Lord Slimly: I see that. Its inspiration always that I seek. Like I seek you now. You're very
complimentary today.
Lady Mishap: I know. I surprise myself. I always do...You say I inspire you?
Lord Slimly: Why, yes, a muse you are for sure; but I thought you knew.
Lady Mishap: As we were saying before, or at least hinting at, we tend to know of things after
they have happened.
Lord Slimly: And what has happened that you have found out now, mite I inquire?
Lady Mishap: Oh, nothing....Your news! Let me know your news.
Lord Slimly: It sounds so prosaic now I'm put on the spot.
Lady Mishap: Well, it won't be until you say it. Now here is the study. Come in. Take a seat.
Lord Slimly: Yes, alrite....no, wait. Ladies first. I must insist in having an answer to my
question, and I apologise for my forwardossity. Is that a word?
Lady Mishap: More importantly, tho, take a seat.
Lord Slimly: No, why so agitated? Why that tremulos fingering of your Henry James collection?
You'll have that ivory tower wobblin if you don't watch it!..Oh, there it goes.
Lady Mishap: Oh, its all rite, I'll get them up. Here's 'What Maisie Knew' Here's 'The Europeans'
Lord Slimly: I just found 'Daisy Miller' hiding by the table leg.
Lady Mishap: And I've found 'The Golden Bowl' in the fruit bowl.
Lord Slimly: Oh, 'Roderick Hudson's at the door.
Lady Mishap: And 'The Reverberator' by the radiator.
Lord Slimly: You have quite a collection. Ah, 'The Other House' is still in this house.
Lady Mishap: That's my second favourite. Have you seen 'The Princess Cassamassima?'
Lord Slimly: She real, or a book?
Lady Mishap: Oh, no matter, I located her.
Lord Slimly: 'The Turn Of The Screw' went loose under the chair.
Lady Mishap: And 'The Aspern Papers?'
Lord Slimly: Amongst your manuscript papers. 'The Love For Sir Thinn by Lady Mishap?'
This autobiographical?
Lady Mishap: Er, hush and look for my favorite. I must have 'The Portrait'.
Lord Slimly: I've found 'The Spoils Of Poynton' by the safe.
Lady Mishap: Very good, but I fear for my favorite.
Lord Slimly: Oh, I've found 'Confidence' just when I'd given up hope.
Lady Mishap: The Portrait, The Portrait, The Portrait of a Lady....Oh, wait!
Lord Slimly: What?
Lady Mishap: You're about to step on it. I'll get it.
Lord Slimly: Allow me.
Lady Mishap: Ow!
Lord Slimly: Are you alrite? Trust me to bump heads.
Lady Mishap: Er, yes, er alrite. Its only a little mishap.
Lord Slimly: I didn't realise you had such green eyes.
Lady Mishap: They're the color of my gradmother's engagement ring.
Lord Slimly: Interesting.
Lady Mishap: Yes, isn't it.
Lord Slimly: Could I read you Sir Thinn?
Lady Mishap: You could be him.
Lord Slimly: I think I already am.
Lady Mishap: Yes, tho he's something to live up to.
Lord Slimly: What does he do that I don't do?
Lady Mishap: HE kisses ME.      


  
  

Enter 'New Victorian' Devotees On Their Return

Lady Mishap: It was a shame Mrs Primsunday wasn't there to deliver the speech.
Lady Slush: It was kind of Lily to fill in tho.
Lady Mishap: Yes, Mrs Gaye's daughter is a credit to her, tho I do feel our etiquettes
shall suffer from her inexperienced delivery.
Lady Slush: I'll say. I haven't the least notion of how to fold my napkin.
Lady Mishap: It is the main concern, for sure.
Lady Slush: And how am I to eat soup without knowing how to. Is it mouth to spoon or
spoon to mouth do you think?
Lady Mishap: Don't you drink soup rather than eat it? Oh, I don't know.
Lady Slush: Its a mystery of Loch Ness Monster proportions until Mrs Primsunday's return.
Lady Mishap: Yes, I dare say she's doing something very important like discovering the
abominable snowman but she could deign to return to deliver the ruling as to whether its
milk first or tea first for the English cup of tea.
Lady Slush: Now we're nearing the end of the barley water season we need to know!
Otherwise we'll quite die of thirst.
Lady Mishap: The things we have to put up with.
Lady Slush: That reminds me, have you seen Lord Slimly today?
Lady Mishap: Oh, I think he's out romping with The Romper. He's helping choose a new
Silver Ghost car for him.
Lady Slush: Oh, he does love his motors, old Roger.
Lady Mishap: He'd never get round so quickly otherwise.
Lady Slush: He's a veritable busy bee.
Lady Mishap: Tho not as buzzy in annoyance as Slimly is.
Lady Slush: Oh, you love him realy!
Lady Mishap: Oh, do I?.........do I?! 

Enter The Issue At Hand

Lady Mishap: Yes, the writing desk will be arriving this afternoon. I want it in
the study.
Butler Burnett: As you wish, my Lady.
Lady Mishap: Ah, ladies, you know the romantic poets don't you?
Lady Slush: No more than Lord Slimly's witty ditty, no.
Harmony of Hinterburne: He's always wooing with a wowing limerick.
Lady Mishap: Oh, thoughts forbid I should ever receive one! Come to think of it,
why haven't I received one. I feel quite offended by not being affronted.
Lady Slush: Why ARE you in such a poetic mood anyway.
Lady Mishap: On account of my new writing desk arriving. Sundry poets are said to
have spread graffiti all over it.
Lady Slush: I can't wait to read it.
Harmony of Hinterburne: In such a respect the wood of furniture equals the wood of
the book.
Lady Mishap: Yes it does. I'm glad you have such a poetic appreciation.
Lady Slush: Like Lord Slimly has. I'm sure the new kitchen maid's his new muse.
Lady Mishap: I'm sure she won't survive the first limerick.

Enter A Darling Bell

Darling Bell: Lord Slimly, I don't believe you've complimented me for days.
Lord Slimly: I know. I've been strangely lacking.
Darling Bell: You wouldn't be saving all your flirtatiosness for a certain kitchen maid would
you?
Lord Slimly: Anorexia? Well, she is rather slim isn't she.
Darling Bell: She looks like a regular moonlite shadow in those legging things.
Lord Slimly: I do feel bad that I've been neglecting you tho.
Darling Bell: I've not felt so left out since Churlish Steven lost his voice a failed to regale me
with a wolf whistle.
Lord Slimly: Oh, dear. I fear I have been such a thoughtless brute.
Darling Bell: You can say you love me and that will be better.
Lord Slimly: Oh, you know I love to love you.
Darling Bell: Just as well, but the real question is who do you hate? That's how you tell the
one you will marry. Who you most care about.
Lord Slimly: Well, I don't care about Lady Mishap for the moment. She's been criticising
me at a whim. She's quite driven me to stalk the kitchen. And not only to stalk for food.
Darling Bell: Ah, I see?
Lord Slimly: What do you see? Pray tell me.
Darling Bell: Oh, lets SEE inside the house again and we can dislike Lady Mishap some more.
Lord Slimly: Whatto! You've just named my new hobby.

Enter Anorexia Into The Conversation

Lord Slimly: Who's the new kitchen maid? She's awfuly slim.
Lady Mishap: Oh, you've noticed her have you? I can't say I have.
Lady Gently: Me neither. Maybe we're being burgled.
Lady Mishap: Rather, I am!
Lord Slimly: She's here now. Lets ask her, or apprehend her.
Anorexia: Anyone for cake? My inspiration Hydrangea left me in charge. She's away for awhile.
Lord Slimly: Some would say she was never quite 'here', but I will have some thank you.
Lady Mishap: Ah, Gypsy Crumb, my favorite crumble!
Lady Gently: I'm afraid I'm on a diet...therefore I'll have to break it.
Lord Slimly: Oh, Dear, haven't you forgotten your skirt?
Anorexia: No, they're leggings, they're all the rage where I come from.
Lord Slimly: In my day they were worn by men.
Lady Mishap: With your slim legs, thankfuly not anymore.
Lady Gently: I'd rather wear them myself first.
Anorexia: I think they criticise to the point of flirtation. One will have to be deviated from her
course.
Lord Slimly: What was that my dear?
Anorexia: Oh, nothing much.
Lady Mishap: I think we're in the presence of a new burgeoning romance.
Lady Gently: I'm starting to blush for the intimacy.
Anorexia: Well, we are both slim so I suppose. Its that we have in common.
Lord Slimly: Indeed, I'm quite taken.
Anorexia: I'll woo him with my waifishness to prove Lady Hap more jealos than her ladylike
counterpart.
Lady Gently: You'll have to speak up dear. We can't quite hear.

Enter Lord Slimly Before Burnett

Lord Slimly: Ah, Lady Mishap. Butler is about to announce me shortly for sure.
Lady Mishap: Oh, have you been having a game of rugger?
Lord Slimly: No. You know I'm an association football man. You'll remember I bored you about
my cup triumph with the Royal Engineers. The one where we put out the King's Lawn Rovers on
a toss of a coin.
Lady Mishap: Yes, I do believe you showed great skill in the choosing what side the coin would
land on.
Lady Gently: She was referring to your rather whirlwindswept attire.
Lord Slimly: Yes, I was aware.
Lady Mishap: Oh, have you met? If not, you're awfuly familiar.
Lady Gently: Yes, I bethought him the hired help.
Lord Slimly: And I bethought the queen mother.
Lady Mishap: Oh, you two are jesting for sure. Anyone would think you were lovers.
Lady Gently: If we were we'd be on the point of divorce.
Lord Slimly: Oh, I've heard love dies up in the early stages of the marriage.
Lady Gently: Oh, believe me it'd be church and the divorce courts in a day!
Lady Mishap: Now I know you only jest. Oh, you two are so funny.
Lord Slimly: You have a pen in your hand, you're not writing again are you?
Lady Mishap: No, only to write a check. Poetry has seen the death of me for now after turning a
deaf ear to me in the parish magazine.
Lord Slimly: I heard it got taken out for an urgent recipe from Mrs. Primsunday on the making of
Bath Buns. They are the cakes of the season you know.
Lady Gently: Yes, and the way she makes them are the done thing.
Lady Mishap: Pray what brings you here Lord Slimly.
Lord Slimly: Oh, only the pressing concerns of the New Victorians Society. They have arranged an
impromptu talk tomorrow on etiquette. Whether one should cough inwardly or outwardly.
Lady Mishap: Sounds fascinating.
Lady Gently: If not a little dangeros. I can't wait.
Lady Mishap: Yes, the talks are so helpful. I gained such great use from the last talk on the discreet
use of the handkerchikef in public and polite society.
Lady Gently: Yes, I know. Your elegance has been noted.
Lady Mishap: That is such a relief! I have been plagued by so many colds of late.
Lord Slimly: I shall have to let Hydrangea know you're both expected then.
Lady Gently: Hydrangea?
Lady Mishap: Mrs. Primsunday's Christian name.
Lady Gently: Oh, good. With real hydrangeas I would need handkerchiefs myself. They do make me
come out with hayfever alergies so.
Lady Mishap: That's funny in that they're not hay!
 
  
  

Enter A Materialising Maid

Anorexia: Rite, I'm a scullery maid.
Lord Slimly: Uggggh, owwweeeee.
Anorexia: What pray are you doing getting thru that big catflap?
Lord Slimly: I only wish the tabby was more tubby then I wouldn't have to wish I had an even
slimmer tummy.
Anorexia: Lord Slimly isn't it? I'm so glad to meet you.
Lord Slimly: You sound like you want my autograph. I only give that to the bank cashier. And
how did you know my name? This is so very queer.
Anorexia: I couldn't had said it better.
Lord Slimly: What?
Anorexia: I mean you're so famos aren't you Lord Slimly, it no wonder that I've heard of you?
Lord Slimly: Well, yes, I do like to think I spread pretty far.
Anorexia: You're fame is quite fat I'd say.
Lord Slimly: I'd plump for the word plump I think.
Anorexia: You're quite rite, I think I'll cross that out.
Lord Slimly: Are you sure you're made to be a maid. You do seem awfuly discombobulated.
Anorexia: What does that mean?
Lord Slimly: I'm not sure. I'm always trying to impress women with long words and I read it
just in a book. You do like to read don't you?
Anorexia: Oh, I like to write more books than I read. That's the definition of a writer I think.
Lord Slimly: Well, don't give up the day job.
Anorexia: Actualy writing is my day job. I'm just filling in her on maidal duties.
Lord Slimly: Well, can you direct me to the conservatory from here?
Anorexia: Ah, yes, you'll want to meet up with Lady Mishap.
Lord Slimly: Not necessarily. Lady Gently is there also.
Anorexia: Do you hate her?
Lord Slimly: No
Anorexia: Well it can't be she you're looking for then.
Lord Slimly: I think Lady Gently does hate me tho.
Anorexia: Ah, we have a problem then.
Lord Slimly: Pardon?
Anorexia: Third on the rite. After the busk of Sarah Siddons.
Lord Slimly: Thank you. I bid you good day.
Anorexia:Yes, bye.........hmmm not so good day. Lady Gently hating Lord Slimly? Therefore
meaning that she loves him. Must get Lady Mishap to the forefront of his affections quick smart,
but how so? Let me think.

Enter The Conservatory

Lady Mishap: Now what is this matter you wish to talk with me about? You must tell me.
Lady Gently: It is rather delicate, you may consider it quite obtuse.
Lady Mishap: Tell me gently then, Lady Gently.
Lady Gently: It concerns, I'm afraid the matter of money.
Lady Mishap: Oh, dear, that is distasteful indeed. But pray continue. I can't wait.
Lady Gently: Daddy, being of an age and unsound mind has rather squandered the royal readies,
rendered our fortune incapacitated, put quite a dent in it.
Lady Mishap: A dent?
Lady Gently: Put a veritable hole in it. In short, the Estate's in a state.
Lady Mishap: Goodness, how unfortunate!
Lady Gently: Quite. The only thing stopping us from stooping into penury is that I've arrested the
last of Daddy's roulette chips, or else, otherwise, we'd be chips.
Lady Mishap: Have you means to go on, to breathe?
Lady Gently: We're quite out of essentials like petrol. I had to arrive here by omnibus.
Lady Mishap: You poor thing.
Lady Gently: But I might not have to be.
Lady Mishap: What?
Lady Gently: Poor, I mean.
Lady Mishap: Oh.
Lady Gently: Not that I come here asking for money.
Lady Mishap: Of course not. I horror at the thought.
Lady Gently: I've actualy come here to sell, nay offer.
Lady Mishap: An offering?
Lady Gently: Yes, of wood. A wood offering. You know the Chippendale writing desk you so much
admired.
Lady Mishap: The one with the ink blots of three romantic poets stained on its surface?
Lady Gently: Yes, the inks of inspiration. Well, it could be yours if you'd help Daddy out of his dilemma.
Lady Mishap: But how much in debt are you? Would the price for the desk suffice?
Lady Gently: The depth of the debt? Not deep. But the price to get Daddy to the rehabilitation
center certainly is steep.
Lady Mishap: So Daddy's going away for a while is he?
Lady Gently: For recuperation, yes, and long enough for me to get his affairs in order.
Lady Mishap: Well, I must have the desk. Let me get my chequebook.
Lady Gently: Oh, I'm glad to be of service.
Lady Mishap: I can feel the ghosts of those poets returning even now. 
 

Enter Familiar Stranger

Lady Mishap: Its so good to see you again....where did I first see you?
Lady Gently: At Lady Gosome's polo match. You held my mallett for me whilst I drew some
old orange.
Lady Mishap: Ah yes, the match. Did Lord Luckbody get over his defeat?
Lady Gently: I think he married the opposing captain's sweetheart. Lady List as she was he never
been swept off her feet so much, not since the Woolingsworth Whirlwind.
Lady Mishap: I remember that. It turned Seven Oaks into Six and a Half Oaks.
Lady Gently: Oh, trees regenerate, I am sure.
Lady Mishap: Like Lord Twist?
Lady Gently: The winning captain? I hear he's wielding the mallet more visciosly since his enforced
singlehood. He quite frites with fear. He's won a whole list of admirers despite or perhaps BECAUSE
of his being banned.
Lady Mishap: What a queer world we live in.
Lady Gently: And long may it be so.
Lady Mishap: Yes, you'll have to take a drink with me in the conservatory. It has a lovely view of the
garden.
Lady Gently: Ah, how nice. Nowadays its more important for the garden to have a lovely view of the
conservatory.
Lady Mishap: Yes, it does seem to be the major concern.
Lady Gently: Maybe not. I have a pressing one I want to put to you.
Lady Mishap: Sounds important. I shall need that drink.
Lady Gently: Well direct me in direction of the charming glass house then and I'm sure you'll find
my discourse quite refreshing.
Lady Mishap: I'll drink to that.
Lord Slimly: Two ladies with just conversation to keep them company? I must get into that. But
where's the door to gain entry and where's Burnett to announce me just after I have arrived? 

Enter Tresspasser

Lord Slimly: Hallo Gordon!
Green Gordon: Lord Slimly.
Lord Slimly: You'll have to direct me to the rose of the season. I have an empty buttonhole.
Green Gordon: We have this one named Tipsy Ballerina, a pale blue rose with an elegant
perfume.
Lord Slimly:Sounds like Lady Hap to a tee, she's always snooding up on wild motor rides.
Green Gordon: Still harping after her ladyship then?
Lord Slimly: I'll harp until heaven for my angel one.
Green Gordon: The you'll be requiring this rose then?
Lord Slimly: Let me smell it. Ah..the scent of love. I'll be sure to be proposing to Lady Hap
by sundown if none of my other loves don't get in the way.
Green Gordon: Yes, you do have a list don't you.
Lord Slimly: The List? Oh its more a rollcall of romantic succession. Not that I get further
than the flirting stage tho. Its only to keep Lady Hap keen you know.
Green Gordon: You tend her roseship well.
Lord Slimly: Thank you. I do feel as tho I've cultivated the art of courtship quite well. Its only
Lady Mishap does throw me a load of thorns in the way.
Green Gorden: They're to prevent the wrong person from scenting the petal.
Lord Slimly: Is that allowed? Language, Gordon!
Green Gordon: I was merely speaking horticulturaly. You need to nip the situation in the bud.
Cut to the chase.
Lord Slimly: Oh, I never want to cut the chase. That's the fun bit.
Green Gordon: Mind you don't dally too long then. Lord Romper is roaming on the horizon.
Lord Slimly: The Romper? He's had five wives already. Its quite unfortunate how they all
leave him at the point his bank balance's bulging.
Green Gordon: Lady Mishap has her own riches tho. She wouldn't abscond with the readies.
Lord Slimly: You're rite. There's nothing more terrifying than a perfect match that could last
forever involving the one you love and someone else. Marriages should be quite unsuitable.
Its what keeps them interesting and hanging in the balance.
Green Gordon: And that would be the gift you would give.
Lord Slimly: Exactly! I must have that flower now. It is the only thing standing in the way now
from another divorce tottering on the point of marriage.
Green Gordon: You make it sound so romantic.
Lord Slimly: Oh, keeping it from the settlement courts. That's what love is for.
Green Gordon: I wonder why you bother.
Lord Slimly: Ask a flower why it opens only to fall apart again. Tally-ho!  

Enter Lady Gently

Lady Gently: Yes, I'm an old friend of Lady Mishap's, only I'm not that old. I've not
yet reached thirty yet at which time all our ages turn backwards.

Butler Burnett: I'll let my lady know you're art home, I mean at her home.

Lady Gently: Yes, do do that. I'll make myself at home in the meantime. Now this is the
drawing room. Oh, the door, where's Butler when I need him?

Lord Slimly: Hallo, I'm not the bailliffs.

Lady Gently: Yes, you're rite. You're far too well dressed to be a man cut from that cloth.

Lord Slimly: Oh, are you a lady burglar or has Lady Mishap removed herself in the nite?

Lady Gently: As I said you're far too overdressed to get a decent reply. You really are
quite showy.

Lord Slimly: Please tell me I'm not presently in the dream of a nitemare kind.

Lady Gently: It seems we are both in the same nitemare. We have both called on Lady
Mishap at tha same time.

Lord Slimly: We are alike then. I didn't realise we had so much in common.

Lady Gently: For me, tho, plagiarism will not be tolerated.

Lord Slimly: I shall go into the garden then and await my call. Do tell Burnett of my
arrival. It is sure to irritate him enough to give me an audience with my Lady and so
aid the begonning of me.

Lady Gently: I'll try to translate it to him, you have my word.

Lord Slimly: Then I have a date with a rose then. I'll seek out Gordon the Gardener and
give him some tips upon color.

Lady Gently: Oh, I don't doubt you think you can improve upon nature.

Lord Slimly: Oh, thank you. You say the nicest things!