Enter Further Guests At Lady Mishap's Wedding

Lord Romper (The Romper): I wasn't aware that you were being married today.
Lilli Sissie: I know. I thout I'd give my new little white dress a little outing.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Its very weddingy.
Lilli Sissie: Not as much as Lady Mishap's dress I hope.
Lord Romper (The Romper): I hope not. And I hope Lord Slimly doesn't see
you and run off with you.
Lilli Sissie: Oh, no. I think he's satisfied. I saw him earlier and he looked quite
gay.
Lord Romper (The Romper): No condemned grayness in his gaze?
Lilli Sissie: No, not at all. Why wold he. Marriage is a wonderful thing.
Lord Romper (The Romper): As I'm to find out for myself.
Lilli Sissie: Yes, you are. How will I ever get over missing my chance with you?
Lord Romper (The Romper): Yes, when was that by the way?
Lilli Sissie: It was when you took me in yor car down Willow Brook. We spent
the afternoon picnicking on sandwiches of cucumber.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Ah, yes. We were first disturbed by the hunt and,
secondly, the shooting party.
Lilli Sissie: Its quite surprising what ruins one's peace.
Lord Romper (The Romper): And what then?
Lilli Sissie: We played lawn tennis and you complimented me on my dress. It
was a wispy windy day.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Yes, yes, now I remember.
Lilli Sissie: I'm glad I made SOME impression on you.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Like a daisy does on a springy lawn.
Lilli Sissie: Ah, you say such lovely things.
Quentulan Queenie: Hallo! Every wedding I can't believe I'm not the one getting
married!
Lilli Sissie: I know. I know.
Quentulan Queenie: Girl hug. Girl hug.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Don't I get an introduction?
Lilli Sissie: Oh, this is Queenie, The Queen. And this is...
Quentulan Queenie: Oh, yes, I remember. He took me down Willow Brook!

Enter Three Of The Wedding Guests

Lord Wilbur-Walled: Capital thing, this wedding business.
Lord James: Not much capital left on completion, I fear.
Lord Harry: Its the price we pay for romanticism I feel.
Lord James: Talk of the ghost.
Lord Harry: You look white as a piece of paper in a snowstorm.
Lord Slimly: Well, I am being the man harried into being married.
Lord Wilbur-Walled: Marriages are made in Heaven. There was a war there once as well.
Lord Slimly: I dout we'll get to the heavenly stage. Lady Hap's far too practical to
encounter that consequence.
Lord Harry: Its good to lower expectations.
Lord James: So as to avoid disappointment?
Lord Harry: No, so that others can feel better about themselves- those adequately married.
Lord Wilbur-Walled: Marriage is only necessary so long as it keeps up the rate for divorce.
Lord Slimly: Of course, divorce is rite out of the question. I'm a one man woman, me..or
should I say a one woman man.
Lord Harry: After you've finished flirting with the whole of the county!
Lord Slimly: Half of those were Darling Bell, two hundred times.
Lord James: I admire you. You know she likes being read Henry James too at bedtime.
Lord Slimly: I know. I've heard its darned difficult. Some sentences last longer than a
page I think.
Lord Harry: It'll test you on catching your breath.
Lord Wilbur-Walled: You won't need any when it comes to not getting a word in edge way.
Lord Slimly: Lady Hap's not like that at all. She protests to finding my conversation quite
the charm.
Lord Harry: Ah, the charm is that the charm wears off.
Lord James: The trick is to get it to shine in the first place. Its the husband's first glory that
the wife compares her disappointment with later.
Lord Slimly: The trick as in the trick's on me then?
Lord Wilbur-Walled: Life or Love's all one trick. We all end up marrying a mirror. Mannerisms,
you know, being so similar between husband and wife.
Lord Slimly: I sometimes fear Lady Hap to be too romantic.
Lord Wilbur-Walled: Oh, romanticism is the search for the self in the eyes of others.
Lord Slimly: Yes, only I being that 'other'. I don't want to disappoint.
Lord Harry: Well, one member of a couple has to.
Lord James: Yo'll be providing her a service.
Lord Slimly: I think she'll prefer a silver service.
Lord Wilbur-Walled: Oh, yo've seen my wedding present have you?      

Enter Two Ladies Easing Gently Into Contemplation

Lady Gently: Sometimes I wonder.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Realy? What do you wonder?
Lady Gently: What do I? I wonder.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Sounds like its too wonderful to say.
Lady Gently: Love is.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Ah., that's unspeakable.
Lady Gently: Yes, unspeakably awful, most the time.
Harmony of Hinterburne: I skirt around love because most the time it isn't that.
Lady Gently: What?
Harmony of Hinterburne: Love.
Lady Gently: My love never loves.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Lord Gently?
Lady Gently: Yes, not so.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Not?
Lady Gently: Gentle.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Splendidly ill-named then.
Lady Gently: Unlike yorself.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Why, thank you.
Lady Gently: What is love?
Harmony of Hinterburne: Reflection in a mirror?
Lady Gently: For those who don't love, yes. Why do we all go for bounders?
Harmony of Hinterburne: I think its because we like to be taken out of bounds.
Lady Gently: We need to place limits.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Limits?
Lady Gently: Upon ourselves.
Harmony of Hinterburne: If we didn't have what we wanted things wold be easier.
Lady Gently: I'm all for easy.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Its easy in a grave tho. We need to displease ourselves.
Lady Gently: Displease?
Harmony of Hinterburne: To give ourselves problems to solve.
Lady Gently: Its our need to place complaint.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Its the raincloud that shows up the rainbow when it comes.
 

Enter Lord Slimly En Route

Butler Burnett: In early today sire?
Lord Slimly: Yes, apparently I'm to make an announcement.
Butler Burnett: Realy? About what, may I ask?
Lord Slimly: Oh, I don't know yet, til Lady Mishap's told me. I'm merely her puppet.
Butler Burnett: Yes, I CAN imagine the strings.
Lord Slimly: Oh, burn it! I need a drink first!
Lady Gently: Drinks are very unbecoming at this time of day.
Lord Slimly: Why? Haven't they matured enough?
Lady Gently: They don't get time to by the look of how yo're pouring them.
Lord Slimly: It goes with the occupation I'm engaged in.
Lady Gently: Ah, yo're announcig the date today aren't you?
Lord Slimly: Is everyone in on this marriage, except me?
Lady Gently: Oh, I don't think the Butler's wise to events as yet.
Lord Slimly: Yes, I'll be filling him in later.
Lady Gently: After yo've filled yorself in with that cognac.
Lord Slimly: What can I say? I feel like a cartoon character that requires coloring in.
Lady Gently: Yo're very brave taking Lady Mishap on so.
Lord Slimly: You talk as if she were a formidable opponent.
Lady Gently: Oh, she would be in the divorce corts, so, if I were you, I'd get it rite at
the first attempt.
Lord Slimly: I'll try to, tho it feels forboding.
Lady Gently: Tho not forbidding. I know you can do it.
Lord Slimly: There are lots of things I CAN do, but I don't do any of those. They wold
be hi-ly innapropriate.
Lady Gently: I'm glad they wold be. Its good to have a husband who sacrifices.
Lord Slimly: Yes, I only hope I'm not the one sacrificed.
Lady Gently: Oh, no it won't come to that. Yo're not good enough for that.
Lord Slimly: Oh. Feel like I need another drink.
Lady Gently: Well, don't drink any more. I mite come to find you irresistable.
Lord Slimly: Because I'd become your ideal man?
Lady Gently: No, you'd become deliciosly disagreeable! 

Enter Darling Bell Seeking Graceful Judgment

Darling Bell: I'm dancing, I'm dancing, what am I?
Harmony of Hinterburne: A dancer?
Darling Bell: No, a gymnast, watch me wheel.
Lady Mishap: Yor in good spirits. I mean, more so.
Darling Bell: More so that I've engaged Lord Romper. I knew I could catch that tiger!
Harmony of Hinterburne: You've snared him? Who with?
Darling Bell: Tilly Gorgeos, she's been pining for him for ages.
Lady Mishap: Realy? What was preventing her?
Darling Bell: She was disposing of Sir Fork. He wouldn't stop proposing to hear her say 'Nay'.
Harmony of Hinterburne: I'm glad that The Romper has ceased to romp. He was, frankly,
putting us all to shame.
Lady Mishap: Have they set a date?
Darling Bell: Yes, September the 23rd.
Lady Mishap: The 23rd?!
Harmony of Hinterburne: What? That wasn't the date you were setting was it?
Lady Mishap: No, but isn't that before Autumn. My Lord said we shold wait til then, only now
it appears The Romper will be romping all over my parade. Getting in first, if you like.
Darling Bell: Or maybe he'll be the warm up act for the main corse.
Lady Mishap: Or maybe I'm engaged to a man who's been dragging his concrete feet.
Harmony of Hinterburne: They always said it wold be a fete to get Slimly to the starting line.
Lady Mishap: The starting line?
Harmony of Hinterburne: Yes, he sees marriage as athletic endeavor.
Lady Mishap: I hope he won't seek desertion over the exertion.
Darling Bell: Dereliction of duty. That's only acceptable by divorce. And you have to be
married for a while for that.
Harmony of Hinterburne: That's deep.
Lady Mishap: Yes, very, and far too sensible for my grievances. Aren't you supposed to be
dancing?
Darling Bell: No, I'm a gymnast, a gymnast. Watch me wheeeeeeel!
Lady Mishap: Did you see where she went?
Harmony of Hinterburne: I think she went down that hill.

Enter Slimly On An Erronos Errand

Lord Slimly: Has anyone seen Rupert?
Darling Bell: Rupert the Bear?
Lord Slimly: No, Rupert, Mrs. Primsunday's dog. Its slipped the lead.
Lady Slush: I'm sure I would find himif were here. I'm quite alergic you know.
Lord Slimly: And I'm alergic to looking, but I said that I wold.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Take a seat then, you look shattered.
Lord Slimly: Thank you. I do feel like I've been in a long game of musical chairs.
Darling Bell: More like hide and seek!
Lord Slimly: Or hide because DON'T seek. Phew, I think I'm dying. I'm sure I would
die now if my stomach wasn't rumbling for a piece of cake. Mrs. Prim offered my
one in return for the dog. Little did I realise the rascal'd be so difficult to find.
Lady Mishap: You look as tho you've been thru hedge, weir and stream. Its so
unbecoming.
Lord Slimly: O, hi lovey. Thanks for yor concern.
Lady Mishap: I've a greater concern for Mrs. Prim's puppie. It can be quite cold of a
nite to be out in.
Lord Slimly: I think when last he was seen he was wearing a fur coat tho.
Darling Bell: O I would love to wear one of those, only my whistling students aren't
partial to them. They're very particular on animal affairs.
Harmony of Hinterburne: How are they on women's rites?
Darling Bell: They're very good indeed. I have the rite to have myself whistled to.
Lady Slush: I'd think that so sexist if I didn't wish that wold happed to me.
Lady Mishap: Well, I don't need that. I have my man rite here, if he hasn't already
expired.
Darling Bell: You mean you haven't been checking on him?
Lady Mishap: I was listening to the sparkling conversation! My man hasn't currently
the breath for that.
Lord Slimly: Oh, fiddlesticks.                  

Enter A Meeting Of Two Ladies And A Distinguished

Harmony of Hinterburne: I'm not in love with a rugged rower. I prefer a smooth
cyclist anyday.
Lady Gently: Its strange the types we go for.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Only we can't always make those go for us.
Lady Slush: I'd end up with an athlete from the poetry Olympics.
Lady Gently: I know. I went out with a spotsman once. He played chess.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Realy? What was his sport?
Lady Gently: Chess! Apparently.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Well, he must have had very athletic fingers.
Lady Slush: I do too. I'm always twiddling my fingers with nothing to do.
Lady Gently: I always wondered what you did, Lady Slush.
Lady Slush: I spend half the day putting on weit and the other half walking it off,
or walking off half of it...Oh, I have recently branched into croquet.
Harmony of Hinterburne: We realy should form a team to take on the men.
Lady Slush: But there's only two men who ever come here.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Exactly, we'd win.
Lady Gently: I've just invested in a polo pony.
Lady Slush: They have such short tails.
Lady Gently: They don't realy. They're just plaited like that. Its more athletic.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Have you met Gustav Flewberry yet? I hear he rules
the polo field.
Lady Gently: I did date him once, but he was more interested in his ride. I went
as far as having a ponytail but it didn't work.
Lady Slush: We're still fillies in the flushness of our first youth. We shouldn't be
rushing in.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Last week you said you felt like an old maid!
Lady Gently: What was that? Old mare?
Lady Slush: No, but now I realise I'm only as old as the people I surround myself
with.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Its true, Lady Slush, I am a full two months younger
than you. It makes me feel young myself, knowing that you're so old.
Lady Gently: I have the experience of being even older, but I let your lack of
maturity rub off on me for the better.
Lady Slush: My, my, we're all so perfect.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Yes, where are the men?

Enter Lady Gently And Lord Slimly With The Latter More Dandified

Lord Slimly: No luck. Not a ticket in site.
Lady Gently: For the Olympics?
Lord Slimly: No, the Marmalade Festival. Its a select affair of Mrs. Primsundays. I
specificaly told her I prefered marmalade instead of jam but the invite has simply
slipped her mind.
Lady Gently: Perhaps its a ladies only event.
Lord Slimly: If that were so there'd be barely a convention I could go to?
Lady Gently: Realy?
Lord Slimly: Yes, if I weren't an aristocrat I could only think of working as a flower
arranger in a florist. Instead I cultivate a green carnation in my buttonhole and
arrange it at a jaunty slant. It expresses my personality in such a way.
Lady Gently: Never let anyone tell you you're not a real man then. Anyone should
know you're a GENTLEman.
Lord Slimly: Thank you.
Lady Gently: Yes, its a credit to you, even if it is what most women aren't looking for.
Lord Slimly: Lady Mishap says she adores my effeminite side.
Lady Gently: Yes, she does, and she loves even more the fact that it makes you safe
with her.
Lord Slimly: You mean like that painting in a gallery that will not sell?
Lady Gently: She sees it more like a priceless antique above the coarseness of economic
transaction.
Lord Slimly: My word, she has been economical with expressing to me her feelings!
Lady Gently: Well, she leaves room for improvement then.
Lord Slimly: Yes, like speed of a tortoise to a cheetah! No wonder she doesn't wish to
go too fast with the wedding.
Lady Gently: Yes, she does seem to be making everything with her own bare hands.
Lord Slimly: She said it was down to the diminishing millions, but now I'm not so
sure.
Lady Gently: Well, BE sure. Be a man.
Lord Slimly: Yes, yes, I can see that now. How to re-establish my manhood. Now, let
me see what's to do? I,m tying a flower into my dress whilst my love gets a wedding
together using her own bare hands. Hmmm...I could challenge Tricky Jamsunday to
a row down the river. He's quite pot-bellied so I'd fancy my chances.
Lady Gently: Just as long as you don't challenge his sister Gudrun. She's as tuff as
church shoes.
Lord Slimly: You don't think I mite be able beat her?
Lady Gently: Lady Mishap mite.
Lord Slimly: We'll have a mixed doubles event then.
Lady Gently: With Lord and Lady rowing?
Lord Slimly: No, I'll be coxing. I'll show my masterfulness by shouting out directions
with hi-hysteria!
Lady Gently: Sounds positively butch.
Lord Slimly: Yes, yes..does it realy?  

Enter Slimly About To Romp And Romper Fatuously Slimmer

Lord Slimly: Sometimes I feel as tho I was in a play.
Lord Romper (The Romper): I know I feel PLAYED at times.
Lord Slimly: It depends who one is playing as to whether this is pleasurable or not.
Lord Romper (The Romper): As long as I can still romp about nothing matters.
Lord Slimly: Being a soon to be married man, freedom is a forein concept to me now.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Yor romping days are well and truly past you. You can
watch me romp instead.
Lord Slimly: Just make sure the background isn't breakable.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Well I won't be launching myself within range of any
objet d'art!
Lord Slimly: I'll say Hallelujah to that!
Lord Romper (The Romper): I dare say you will.
Lord Slimly: I just did.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Yo're ahead of yorself then. Maybe yo've still got time
to breathe before yor nuptials take place.
Lord Slimly: I'm saving up breaths like a deep sea diver does.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Well you are entering deep water, my dear chap.
Lord Slimly: I'm thinking I'd like to free dive.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Well, come romping then with me just for one last time.
Lord Slimly: I'd rather ramble. I'm more a skirting round the edges kind of person.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Well, I'll break thru and you can pick up the pieces.
Lord Slimly: Who's set are we to invade then?
Lord Romper (The Romper): Tippy Gorgeous's. She's often invited me. Its time I
placed my card where it can't be missed.
Lord Slimly: I do hope we'll be delicate. I would rather be Lord Slimly than Lord Slimy.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Just watch me flirt. You know its my favorite sport.
Lord Slimly: Yes, and you keep coming back despite all the knockbacks.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Well, get in the grey ghost then!
Lord Slimly: Isn't it a silver ghost?
Lord Romper (The Romper): It was, but it had a little altercation with a chalk wagon.
Lord Slimly: Romped out of that one did you.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Not realy. It was coming from the tennis. The driver had
me game set and match!

Enter Lady Mishap And Her American Aquaintance

Lady Mishap: Yes, I hear you're one of my new neibors.
Pamela Prince: Just 10 miles away, indeed.
Lady Mishap: Just beyond Coolclouds?
Pamela Prince: Yes, with Mrs Primsunday on the other side, within yelling range if I wasn't
such a lady.
Lady Mishap: You're a credit to your American nation.
Pamela Prince: I do hope so. Milly Theale and Isabel Archer are my greatest role models.
Lady Mishap: Oh, I know the books well and, even better, I've not seen the films.
Pamela Prince: I'm trying to get Art to be more like Henry James.
Lady Mishap: You mean a hundred and seventy?
Pamela Prince: No, more complimentary to me in words of more than one syllable.
Lady Mishap: Doesn't he have a poetic flourish?
Pamela Prince: Only in economic terms from working at the bank. He says we're in a fiscal
union.
Lady Mishap: I can't say I know if that's good or bad.
Pamela Prince: He says we're prudent at a pinch.
Lady Mishap: Now he sounds like he's getting downrite saucy.
Pamela Prince: Not at all.
Lady Mishap: Never?
Pamela Prince: Well obviosly not never.
Lady Mishap: Ever?
Pamela Prince: O.K. Never, but he is married to his work.
Lady Mishap: I do hope my intended will be married to me.
Pamela Prince; I think he can afford to be can't he?
Lady Mishap: He does own half of Berkshire.
Pamela Prince; Well, there you go.
Lady Mishap: But the half owing debts to the other half.
Pamela Prince: I shold get Art onto it. He's good with numbers.
Lady Mishap: So's my lord, but at spending them!  

Enter Lord Slimly In Athletic Pose

Lord Slimly: Games day today! I bags the croquet lawn.
Lady Slush: Oh, Lord Linseed-Oil plays polo, and not just the water kind.
Lord Slimly: I'm more for exercise of a more gentlemanly persuasion.
Lady Slush: And I, the ladylike, likewise.
Lord Slimly: So you still find me manly?
Lady Slush: Hardly.
Lord Slimly: Oh.
Lady Slush: However.
Lord Slimly: Oh?
Lady Slush: As the hardest man I usualy come across is my spongy-stuffed teddy bear I
can say you're comparatively butch.
Lord Slimly: I'm honored as such, I say; toy bears as so tough to see out a hundred seasons.
Lady Slush: I know. The bravest thing I do is ignoring the Norton warnings on my internet.
Lord Slimly: Oh, you're into the inter-vest kind of thing are you?
Lady Slush: Well, I do bemoan the demise of the telegram, but I WAS intrigued by the
mention of 'wireless'. That brout back memories of Lady Hush-Slush tapping away at
Ukelele Bertie, one of my earliest memories as a child.
Lord Slimly: Childhood memories are charming. Mine go rite the way up to yesterday.
Lady Slush: Yes, you're infinitely young.
Lord Slimly: Its the best way to be, especialy when one is ageing so.
Lady Slush: So the croquet. Are we playing singles or can we drag another couple of
bodies along with us?
Lord Slimly: I don't know. The Usuals are away and Lady Mishap is wrapped up in Tule.
Lady Slush: Ticky Humsummeny said to call sometime. We could drop in on her in the
next Manor.
Lord Slimly: She's the advantage of residing near to the Billios Brothers. Parsomeny is
my number one choice but if he's out, either physicaly or thru drink, there's always
Saffyfargus and Vradylarly. Their grandfather was a Czechoslovakian Duke you know.
Lady Slush: No, I didn't. We'll have to discuss it if the croquet's called off.
Lord Slimly: Oh, I do love whacking a ball at one miles per hour. It makes me feel so
masterful.
Lady Slush: I'm quite quaking standing next to you.
Lord Slimly: Realy? I just thout you were tipsy.
Lady Slush: I haven't drunk a drop since I saw you coming. You know you always drive
me to brandy.
Lord Slimly: What can I say? I must be manly after all.  

Enter Lord Slimly Into A Less Than Funny Mood

Lord Slimly; I'm not feeling in a funny mood at all today.
Darling Bell: You mean you ARE in a funny mood then.
Lord Slimly: Yes, I suppose, jocular being my normal.
Darling Bell: It'll be good to have a rest.
Lord Slimly: For me?
Darling Bell: And for the rest of us as well.
Lord Slimly: Oh.
Darling Bell: Yes, now we can talk about sensible things, like my beauty.
Lord Slimly: Well, it is unparralelled. Only equaled by yourself yesterday.
Darling Bell: Oh, aren't I improving?
Lord Slimly: Oh, I'd say so!
Darling Bell: Why didn't you then?
Lord Slimly: I don't know.
Darling Bell: You're very funny when you're not funny.
Lord Slimly: Yes, maybe I should see a doctor.
Darling Bell: He'd diagnose you as having a pulled funny bone.
Lord Slimly: A humoros?
Darling Bell: No, he's not funny at all. Now compliment me further.
Lord Slimly: Oh, you're beauty can go no further...in the known world.
Darling Bell: I hope I'm more out of this world than alien species.
Lord Slimly: To most your beauty is an alien species.
Darling Bell: I need you to review me more often. It makes me blush and I look prettier.
Lord Slimly: It has been noticed.
Darling Bell: Its not easy tho. I have few female friends.
Lord Slimly: What with turning all the men down in the county I can see that that's a problem.
Darling Bell: Yes, most of the women who don't like me are their former girlfriends.
Lord Slimly: Well, you're a useful ore then, testing the metal of relationships.
Darling Bell: Yes, I furnace into finery don't I.
Lord Slimly: Yes, like pulverised iron.
Darling Bell: Pig iron.
Lord Slimly: Yes, most of the pulverised are pigs after all.
Darling Bell: O don't say that!
Lord Slimly: It was an observation, not a criticism. Ask Mrs. Primsunday. Her cakes have
cultivated many a bride for the gentleman who's preferance is to plump for er, someone..
Darling Bell: On the plump side?
Lord Slimly: You said it.
Darling Bell: Is Lady Slush such a one?
Lord Slimly: No, she just loves cakes.  
   

Enter Darling Harmoniosness

Darling Bell: I now regret turning down my 147 marriage proposals now I'm
seeing Lady Mishap getting married.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Yes, she is rather taking many months to do so.
Darling Bell: She's leaving no detail unchecked.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Only she mite forget to check her groom is still
waiting for her when all the preparations are over.
Darling Bell: Yes, when will the preparations be over?
Harmony of Hinterburne: O long after the wedding's over. I think she has a
timetable for the rest of her life.
Darling Bell: I do hope she's penciled in a space for a possible armageddon.
It'd be a shame for all those plans to be disrupted too much.
Harmony of Hinterburne: She's no devotee to Nostradamus.
Darling Bell: Yes, according to his predictions I hear the world's to end in
just three days.
Harmony of Hinterburne: That's a long time for it to take.
Darling Bell: No, three days time.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Oh, I'd better pack them. Do you think they take
portmanteaus onto spaceships?
Darling Bell: I guess we'll have to see.
Harmony of Hinterburne: No one knows the time of the end they say.
Darling Bell: And yet they do say we're in the endtime at the moment.
Harmony of Hinterburne: What we need to do is to get 1000 and 86 people
and get them to predict a different date for the time of the end in the next 3
years.
Darling Bell: And what would that do?
Harmony of Hinterburne: Well, there would be one date left unchosen, so that
would be the time of the end that nobody knows.
Darling Bell: Good thinking. Now where do we get all those people from?
Harmony of Hinterburne: From the list of yor admirers would be a good start.
Darling Bell: Let me look in my book......Oh, yes, I have 1000 and 83. We can
fill in the rest with 3 of yor admirers.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Er, yes.......No, come to think of it I have only a
select amount of folowers.
Darling Bell: Realy? Namely who?
Harmony of Hinterburne: Namely myself.
Darling Bell: Oh, well, and there's me.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Maybe I could get Lord Slimly to break up with
Lady Mishap to make up the numbers.
Darling Bell: Well, that is bound to happen anyway.
Lady Mishap: Realy? I wasn't aware that was one of the things she was preparing for.    

Enter Lord Slimly Exiting Apparently

Lord Slimly: I feel like doing nothing today, Burnett.
Butler Burnett: O you're here. Lord Slimly!
Lord Slimly: Yes, I've been here an hour, but thank you for announcing my departure.
Butler Burnett: Anything planned?
Lord Slimly: I was just saying I don't plan on doing anything.
Butler Burnett: No change then, Sire.
Lord Slimly: Yes, you're very observant.
Butler Burnett: Tacky Jicksands is having a 'hoot-a'-noon' down at Hardjelly Hall. I'm sure
he'd be glad of another kickster turning up.
Lord Slimly: Sounds tempting, but I think I need to dust down my chess set.
Butler Burnett: Darling Bell and Tilly Toosday are currently playing draughts at the top of
Slopey Lawn.
Lord Slimly: That's quite e precipice. Are they touting it for an Olympic Sport?
Butler Burnett: Think Darling's outing Tilly's intelligence. Lady Toosday's been in sudden
shock ever since getting her Elocution paper marked with a rather rude Fail.
Lord Slimly: If we never fail we never learn to win. I myself like to fail constantly to give
me something to improve upon. Its surprising how we pick up compliments like rosettes,
us recovering failures.
Butler Burnett: Harmony of Hinterburne!
Lord Slimly: O is Harmony leaving? Think I'll leave with her. I haven't complimented her
all day.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Ah, Lord Slimly. Doing any today?
Lord Slimly: Positively nothing.
Harmony of Hinterburne: O you should come and do nothing with me then. I'm realy very
good at it.
Lord Slimly: I don't dout it! You're very experienced.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Can you DO nothing? Isn't that oxymoronic?
Lord Slimly: No, that's just Burnett. But we love him for it.

Enter Two In Need Of One's Conversation

Lady Slush: I've been looking forward to having such a good talk with you.
Flaxlawna: Realy? What did you want to talk about?
Lady Slush: I have no idea.
Flaxlawna: I'm used to having no ideas inside my head. I need marriage to rescue me from
a life of empty headedness.
Lady Slush: Its usualy those I corner on my quest for marriage who get rescued in my world.
Flaxlawna: Interesting. I, myself, have made such an industry of idleness.
Lady Slush: Its a wonder you stay so slim.
Flaxlawna: O I ride out a lot, tho I let the horse do the most work you know.
Lady Slush: Naturaly I do. I've been horsing around after men since I was just a spring fillie.
Flaxlawna: They're not the be all an end all you know.
Lady Slush: I know.
Flaxlawna: Altho with the dream of marriage it often is the case of being it all or ending it
all.
Lady Slush: I feel as tho I've been ending it all for years.
Flaxlawna: Realy? You're so prettily plump. You need a man who sees that.
Lady Slush: O I fear these days he sees too much.
Flaxlawna: Haven't you been to weit watchers?
Lady Slush: I think I dined out on that idea once too often. I thout that every time one eat
something slimming one would lose weit.
Flaxlawna: So what was the result?
Lady Slush: I put on a stone in six months.
Flaxlawna: The fat cats at the food factory would have been pleased tho.
Lady Slush: Yes..We've had such a good talk seeing that we haven't anything to talk about.
Flaxlawna: Instead of doing the talking, BE the thing to be talked about.
Lady Slush: Who said that?
Flaxlawna: Me just now.    

Enter Flaxlawna And Lady Mishap Folowed By The Subject Of Marriage

Flaxlawna: Yes, thank you, Jean Pierre my artist friend brout me back. I'm sorry I went
missing for a while before we'd hardly met.
Lady Mishap: Not at all, you needed to stretch yor legs after yor long jorney, even if
it was three miles.
Flaxlawna: But now.
Lady Mishap: Yes, now, you'll have to meet everyone here.
Flaxlawna: O I had a talk with one already. Didn't catch his name, but you'd like him,
you'd have a lot in common as he's engaged to be married like you.
Lady Mishap: That's quite the coincidence. The Romper hasn't roped in someone has he?
Flaxlawna: O but come to think of it he wasn't like you at all. He was hating the engagement
whilst you were positively loving it.
Lady Mishap: You gleamed that from my glowing impression no doubt. My intended, Lord
Slimly, always compliments me on it. I'm so glad HE'S not like the man you met.
Flaxlawna: O I do wish I could meet your intended. He sounds like such an agreeable chap.
Lady Mishap: Yes, quite.
Flaxlawna: It seems so romantic here, within these halls.
Lady Mishap: You don't have large halls back home?
Flaxlawna: We do but they're rather overcrowded at the moment by aliens.
Lady Mishap: Ah, yes, the aliens. I've not had aliens over for afternoon tea yet. I must make
a space in my diary.
Flaxlawna: They're very quite agreeable.
Lady Mishap: I don't dout it. If one could stop them taking over the world I'm sure they'd be
perfect pleasant company.
Flaxlawna: They may desire grapefruit juice for afternoon tea however.
Lady Mishap: O that wouldn't be the done thing at all. It seems that there are some such things
as manners that earthlings are superior in even towards superanimated beings.
Flaxlawna: Their being always in outer space always leaves them open to earthling flaws.
Lady Mishap: They are alien to our customs after all.
Flaxlawna: Like how this mystery gentleman I've met seems alien to the ways of marriage.
Lady Mishap: O dear, I don't think I wish him to be visiting my place at all. I don't want
him to be putting ideas into my Lord Slimly's mind.
Flaxlawna: Ar, Lord Slimly sounds like such a lovely gentleman unlike the disagreeable
deserter who I met.
Lady Mishap: Yes, the analogy is good. Marriage can be like a war and, tho we should
always hold fire, there is also no shirking from one's duty of putting oneself in the firing
line.
Flaxlawna: You're so regimented. I can quite see how no man could ever refuse you.
Lady Mishap: Thank you; only point this man stepping out of matrimonial line out for me.
I should like him to face up to his opposite, namely my Lord Slimly. I should think the
comparrison should offer him some persuadeable advice.
Flaxlawna: In order for him to love marriage you mean?
Lady Mishap: O no, nobody ever does that! Merely, I mean, to fall under its spell.
Flaxlawna: You're such a word wizard! 

Enter Slimly Charged With Offence

Lord Slimly: As I've said to you already, she was merely having a fainting fit.
Lady Mishap: Yes, I know you've said but what I would like to know is exactly
what you did say to her to make her faint so well.
Lord Slimly: I don't know. I don't know what effect I have on people. Sometimes I
don't remember what I've said even when I'm saying it.
Lady Mishap: Sadly I can believe everything you say. I know you all too well.
Lord Slimly: But do say you'll still have me. I do so desperately need someone to
have me if only to keep me in check.
Lady Mishap: You put it so romanticaly. Yes, the wedding is still well and truly on
even if the groom IS a little off.
Lord Slimly: I should have a best before date stuck on me stating when I'm to be
snapped up.
Lady Mishap: Don't worry, I'll extend your running life a little longer, I've plenty of
plans for you and I to undertake together.
Lord Slimly: Undertake? Sounds ominos.
Lady Mishap: No pleasurable pursuits. You do like climbing don't you?
Lord Slimly: I like to climb the social ladder, tho I don't feel I could go much further.
Lady Mishap: I'm talking about Ben Nevis.
Lord Slimly: I don't believe I've met him. Is he in the House of Commons?
Lady Mishap: Stands over you like a colossus anyway.
Butler Burnett: Darling...!
Lord Slimly: Not by my invitation.
Lady Mishap: No mine. I invited her.
Butler Burnett: Bell!
Darling Bell: You're speeding up, Burnett.
Butler Burnett: Thank you. I'm currently under elocution lessons.
Darling Bell: That's nice. Lady Mishap?
Lady Mishap: Now, Bell. I wanted to know if it wasn't something in my house that
caused the fainting fit. I do scrimp and save on the air conditioning to save the Old
Masters, their being unaccustomed to the lite of day.
Darling Bell: O dear no, it was one of the sort. I fear I had been dancing myself to
distraction all morning. Chumley Lawnly had set out a Pimms and Jazz on the grounds
of Whiff Manor and I'd been jiving and what-not all morning before I came here.
Lord Slimly: Sounds like the mystery is solved then. Call off the detective.
Lady Mishap: Yes, it is. I should have known my man couldn't have reduced an
admirer to a fainting fit.
Darling Bell: Realy?
Lord Slimly: How so?
Lady Mishap: Because he never did so to me and I like him best of all.
Darling Bell: Ah, bless.
Lord Slimly: Yes, thank you for LIKEing me SO much.        

Enter Slimly Pursued By Rain

Lord Slimly: Brrrrr. English Summer rain.
Butler Burnett: Just awful sir.
Lord Slimly; Yes, I wouldn't have it any other way. Ah, Darling Bell I haven't told you
how lovely you look today.
Darling Bell: I know, you've been strangely lacking.
Lord Slimly: Its the perils of being an engaged man. It rather gets one's tongue.
Darling Bell: That I don't believe, with you at least.
Lord Slimly: Well, Lady Mishap does give me the rap sometimes.
Darling Bell: With some justification, I'm sure.
Lord Slimly: It isn't my fault that she won't allow me to compliment her. I have to guess when
she's sad when she's looks happy and know when I'm to be happy when I'm so sad.
Darling Bell: That's relationships for you.
Lord Slimly: Yes, I don't think I'm on good terms with my relations yet.
Darling Bell: Ahhh, this is all so interesting. Pour me some of the clear stuff with even more ice.
Lord Slimly: Yes, you rest on the couch with your precios headband on. Carrying that feather
in your hair must wear you so.
Darling Bell: I fear the onslaught of a headache. Escort me to the yelow divan.
Lord Slimly: Yes, that is more luxuriosly restful.
Darling Bell: Do you think Lady Mishap will mind, you rescuing a damsel in distress?
Lord Slimly: Just as long as you don't faint on me. I'm merely man, not muscular.
Butler Burnett: Would you like a hand dear lady?
Darling Bell: Well, yes, now that I'm regretting all those hands I turned down in marriage.
Butler Burnett: Allow me to bring to you an occasional chair.
Lord Slimly: And I'll bring the occasional table. Better still, lets swap, it is rather heavy.
Darling Bell: In the presence of two such strong men, small wonder I'm fainting.
Lord Slimly: I have that effect, but usualy in frite.
Darling Bell: Escort me to the utopia of soft furnishings. You can gabble on about yorself
later.
Butler Burnett; Lady..!
Lord Slimly: Slush?
Darling Bell: Sludge?
Butler Burnett: No, Mishap!
Darling Bell: What a mishap.
Lord Slimly: And I with another Lady in my arms! 

Enter Not Lord Slimly Yet

Lord Lazy: Yawn. Where's Slimly got to? We can't disappoint the P.M. He's
expecting a rebelion.
Lord Strawberry: I should think Slimly's on his way Olympian-like if I know HIM. As
for Spencer Pigeon, he'll be needing a new cabinet by the time we've finished and not
just for drinks.
Lord Lazy: What shall we do in Slimly's absence then?
Lord Strawberry: Oh, there's NO END to thing's WE'LL do?
Lord Lazy: Such as?
Lord Strawberry: Lord Posthumos?
Lord Posthumos: Why not ask Lord Raspberry? I was just having a snooze.
Lord Raspberry: There is the fruit cocktail trifle question to be resolved.
Lord Strawberry: Yes, those infernal brussel sprouts say we're only to have Strawberry and
raspberry trifles from now on. And who wants strawberry and raspberry?
Lord Raspberry: Yes, quite. Apparently the fruit cocktail doesn't include an actual cock's tail
Lord Strawberry: That must be since they made it vegetarian.
Lord Rasberry: Apparently, its false advertising or something.
Lord Posthumos: Advertising is becoming adverse they say.
Lord Strawberry: O you're back from the land of Nod are you?
Lord Raspberry: No, he's just lapsed again.
Lord Slimly: Whatto! Hope I didn't wake you.
Lord Strawberry: We were only trifling over something.
Lord Slimly: Sounds enthralling, but what about the starving millions?
Lord Raspberry: You mean the starving millionaires?
Lord Slimly: Yes, that's what I said.
Lord Strawberry: I've been working on that. I have a contact Lord Destitute who's had
dealings with the squat. The Old Buckwheat Barn. We've put in an offer to save it for
the needy in return for what we need.
Lord Slimly: Good thinking. Its the P.M's daughter Matilda's pet project. She and so he will
be thrilled.
Lord Lazy: Is the rebelion over then?!
Lord Slimly: O didn't see you there, Lazy, yes, indeed, until next time.
Lord Raspberry: What is on the cards for next time?
Lord Strawberry: There's the question of the Angel Delite.
Lord Slimly: The deliteful cream topping? The bed for the hundreds and thousands.
Lord Strawberry: Yes, the President has put forward a notion to rename it Agnostic Delite
or even Atheist Delite.
Lord Slimly: O they don't make presidents like they used to. We'll have to petition Old
Pigeon to put it to him on his Peace stroke War conference.
Lord Raspberry: How will we apply the pressure?
Lord Slimly: Just keep Lord Lazy and Lord Posthumos awake for one: We'll need all the
votes we can get.     

Enter A Latent Slimly As Inert As A Gas

Lord Slimly: Yes, Burnett, I think I'm expected. I think I'm part of the furniture by now.
Butler Burnett: As you wish, sire, I won't announce you.
Lord Slimly: You never do, barring a snail, before one arrives.
Butler Burnett: Its one of my idiosynchracies.
Lord Slimly: Idio something, quite.
Flaxlawna: I'm sure he does his best, poor chap.
Lord Slimly: Excuse me, are you a visitor or just an intruder? If you're a burgler I have a pocket
watch here I might want taking. I have to have it on me at all times since it was given by a dying
aunt who won't stop dying. Infernal thing. Won't stop ticking, rather like her.
Flaxlawna: You're quite disagreeable or rather funny. I can't realy decide.
Lord Slimly: Oh, I'm sure I'm laughably horrendos. I make a profession out of it.
Flaxlawna: Oh, you work?
Lord Slimly: At not working, yes.
Flaxlawna: Me too. My work's marriage.
Lord Slimly: Oh, don't rush into it too quickly. You're not engaged are you?
Flaxlawna: No, I'm like the old telegram machine. Unengaged.
Lord Slimly: Well, I am engaged in something all consuming and I think they call it marriage.
I feel rather like a bluebottle trapped....
Flaxlawna: In a blue bottle?
Lord Slimly: Quite.
Flaxlawna: Are you married then already?
Lord Slimly: Engaged, like the divorce court phone.
Flaxlawna: You seem quite prepared......for the worst.
Lord Slimly: I say! We're getting awfuly familiar for two people who don't know each other's
name.
Flaxlawna: Yes, mine's...
Lord Slimly: Is that the time?! Do tell Burnett I've had to cancel will you? I've a pressing
appointment with Lord Strawberry. Must dash..er, didn't catch your name..I'll call you girlygirl.
Flaxlawna: This place is certainly something else. I think things were less strange on the
spaceship. Hmm there's a piano. Must get some practice in if Bootsie's starting up the Electrified
Aliens. Posy's songs will have to improve tho. I like her one about the Snow Roses. Think I can
try out a tune to that one. Wonder what Ask Whitebootsi would advise me in this situation. At
least get to know people's names I should think.   

Enter Lady Slush Recently Unsloshed

Lady Mishap: Yes, as I said yesterday, she's coming soon.
Lady Slush: Tho not as soon as yesterday as you said.
Lady Mishap: You have to be a little flexible with Flaxlawna.
Lady Slush: Are her travelling habits as unusual as her name?
Lady Mishap: Many would have it she arrives by spaceship judging by the things she's into.
Lady Slush: She's a penchant for the unusual?
Lady Mishap: Yes, she adores an alien as much as she does an available suitor, but don't hold
that against her.
Lady Slush: I assure you I don't. I hear u.f.o.'s are highly fashionable at present. There's a lot
of call for them I think.
Lady Mishap: Anyway, she'll be DROPPING in before you know. I'm sure you'll find her a hoot.
Lady Slush: Oh, I find everyone a hoot, being so dull myself.
Lady Mishap: Yes, but you're adorably so. Long may you be.
Lady Slush: I know. I remember you said I was dependable as a lampost.
Lady Mishap: Shouldn't that be LAMP-POST.
Lady Slush: I don't know. Maybe I'm britening up.
Lady Mishap: Well, if the day does, why not do as the day.
Butler Burnett: Fla...!
Lady Mishap: Flaxlawna! You came...at last.
Flaxlawna: Yes, I did and I'm jolly glad to meet you again.
Lady Mishap: This is Lady Slush, you're greatest fan.
Flaxlawna: Oh, I haven't had one of those before. I was wondering what my fan looked like.
Lady Slush: Glad to make your aquaintance.
Flaxlawna: Quite! Ditto....phew, my head, the jetlag.
Butler Burnett: lawna!
Lady Mishap: Yes, thank you Burnett. I think you forgot the 'x'.
Butler Burnett: I'll attend spelling classes immediately.
Lady Slush: You said you had jetlag, Flaxlawna, have you traveled far?
Flaxlawna: I'm not sure. I'm not sure where exactly I ever am. Sometimes I feel I'm in cyberspace.
Lady Slush: Oh, dear. I'm afraid that's an alien concept to me.
Lady Mishap: Alien concepts? Now look who's getting into ufology all of a sudden. 

Enter Slimly Under A Cloud

Lord Slimly: Perishingly cold today.
Butler Burnett: Barely 21 degrees.
Lord Slimly: Yes, as I said, far too hot for my cardigan. Looks like rain tho.
Butler Burnett: Yes, hardly a cloud in the sky.
Lord Slimly: Or one big cloud one can't see the edges of.
Butler Burnett: In color blue?
Lord Slimly: You're rite. I'm positively pessimistic today.
Butler Burnett: Its only to be expected with a wedding to be contended with.
Lord Slimly: If only it could be fenced off for a while. What with all the preparations I feel I've
been long enough married to be divorced.
Butler Burnett: Lady Mishap thoro?
Lord Slimly: To the point of being free from mishap, yes.
Butler Burnett: Its a Lady's way.
Lord Slimly: And its a Lord's to be drunk then.
Butler Burnett: It is the least involved.
Lord Slimly: I suppose I could take up my place in the House of Lords. Smash some of the
Coalition's plans again!
Butler Burnett: Well, you did for them over the abolishment of free school meals.
Lord Slimly: Quite rite too. Millionaire fathers have not got as much money as they used to have.
Butler Burnett: I knew them when they were young and born as billionaires.
Lord Slimly: Yes, dozens of racehorses later they've fallen on slippery times.
Butler Burnett: I blame it on Frankel and Black Caviar.
Lord Slimly: I think they're more Pimms and truffles types.
Butler Burnett: Quite.
Lord Slimly: Phew! Its so cold I think I need to lose the jacket.
Butler Burnett: As long as you don't lose your shirt.
Lord Slimly: Oh, I'm fine for that after my Royal Ascot exploits after your tips Burnett.
Butler Burnett: The Frankel/Black Caviar double?
Lord Slimly: Double of Pimms more like...Oh, those were the horses were they? I didn't know.
I just went to Benjie the Bookmaker and said I'll have me a double on the two jolly favorites.
Butler Burnett: You won a pretty packet?
Lord Slimly: Well, I did risk a half a million queenies just to raise a fifty thousand.
Butler Burnett: And you only just made it after the Austrailian mare barely squeaked home.
Lord Slimly: Almost had to emigrate and folow the horse home!  

Enter Harmonios Darlingness

Darling Bell: Fancy a darjeeling?
Harmony Of Hinterburne: I don't mind if I DON'T.
Darling Bell: Oh? That's a trifle controversial.
Harmony Of Hinterburne: Not in knowing circles. THERE coffee is the done thing.
Darling Bell: Realy? We're not all going to become Frenchified are we? I mean, I like
Frenchie butterflies but I wouldn't like them chasing ME.
Harmony Of Hinterburne: They'd require a rather large net.
Darling Bell: Not too large! You know I'm winsome so.
Harmony Of Hinterburne: I know, you're as waif as a wafer and not half so breakable.
Darling Bell: I'm even more willowy in my new dapper dress.
Harmony Of Hinterburne: Rather! You bring back thoughts of Wimbledon.
Darling Bell: Without the tennis tho.
Harmony Of Hinterburne: That would be far too strenuos.
Darling Bell: We are sports for dancing tho.
Harmony Of Hinterburne: Yes, have you been selected for the forthcoming Olympics?
Darling Bell: I don't believe Royal Berkshire are represented. Mrs. Primsunday had been
interested in competing in the crumpet eating class but she was doubly disappointed.
Harmony Of Hinterburne: Don't tell me eating etiquette isn't included! What are things
coming to?
Darling Bell: And as for dapper dancing.
Harmony Of Hinterburne: Yes?
Darling Bell: That's way back in the line of waiting behind the bogsnorkling.
Harmony Of Hinterburne: The decade is quite disasteros for sure!
Darling Bell: I know. Bring back book balancing I say.
Harmony Of Hinterburne: Yes, it defines the lady's posture.
Darling Bell: Oh that's coming back a little.
Harmony Of Hinterburne: Realy?
Darling Bell: Yes, in the leggings and stiletto coming back into fashion.
Harmony Of Hinterburne: Tho if we've found out they're in vogue they're probably on the
way out by now.
Darling Bell: I'm not that much behind the times am I?
Harmony Of Hinterburne: Are you kidding! You have a NEW flapper dress!

Enter Daisy Debutante With Eugenia Royal Berkshire In Tow

Daisy Debutante: Come on, we've lost out on Lord Slimly. We can't miss out on Lord Roger.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: Lord Romper, you mean?
Daisy Debutante: No, THE Romper, I'd say.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: I'll say.
Daisy Debutante: Excuse me, sir, which way to The Romper?
Butler Burnett: I believe he's in the main hall, with ladies attending.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: Ladies attending?
Daisy Debutante: If we must go for the popular we must fite our way thru the populos.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: But won't we have to fite amongst ourselves? We can't both have
The Romper.
Daisy Debutante: May be it should be decided by accidental order.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: Or by the most syllables in a name.
Daisy Debutante: Now, that would be silly.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: Sounds like something we'd do then.
Daisy Debutant: Perhaps that butler we just met's still single.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: That one acting as a signpost?
Daisy Debutante: Is there any other one?
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: Well, let the one who charms Lord Romper the least battle for the
butler then.
Daisy Debutante: That's a proposition I'll agree to.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: How did you know The Romper was aiming for a bride anyway?
Daisy Debutante: On account of Lord Slimly. Roger will feel quite redundant if he's left the
only Lord single.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: So, instead, you've singled him out.
Daisy Debutante: Roger!
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: He didn't seem to hear you.
Daisy Debutante: I was drowned out by that chattering Clementine Dilhailey.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: She could talk a good listener to death.
Daisy Debutante: Yes, who else is there?
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: Oh, do look. You know I can't, not wearing my glasses.
Daisy Debutante: Oh, Tilly Bunting's fluttering round him also. He's in danger of being detained
for hours. You'll have to but in.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: Me?
Daisy Debutante: Yes, being without glasses you're liable to bump into him, so breaking up the
conversation.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: And then?
Daisy Debutante: Then I put on MY glasses.You know he goes for the studios type.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: No, I didn't know that. You forgot to tell me when you rushed me out
the door before I could reach for mine.
Daisy Debutante: Like I said, only one woman per one Romper.
Eugenia Royal Berkshire: Oh, very well. I wasn't too keen on the surname anyway! 

Enter Slimly With Slim Hopes

Lord Slimly: Is Lady Mishap receiving visits today?
Butler Burnett: No, I'm afraid not, sir.
Lord Slimly: Good, we will not be interupted then.
Butler Burnett: But she does have a headache.
Lord Slimly: She'll have an even bigger one if she doesn't hear my news. She needs to be
prepared for something on the horizon.
Butler Burnett: On the horizon, sire?
Lord Slimly: Yes, and not just the sun. Something more dazzling in horrification. That IS a
word isn't it, Burnett?
Butler Burnett: I'll let you in and avoid the question.
Lord Slimly: Smart move, if not as quite as smart as if you would have answered it.
Lady Mishap: Is that Lord Slimly I hear?
Butler Burnett: Yes, but I thought you weren't receiving my dear.
Lady Mishap: To anyone but him I aren't. Do come in, Lord Slimly. My study awaits.
Lord Slimly: I can't wait to study it, tho I have news unbecoming to the no doubt tranquility
of it.
Lady Mishap: Oh, it sounds awful. I can't wait to hear it.
Lord Slimly: You shouldn't wish what you don't yet know, you know.
Lady Mishap: I kind of think surprizes serve to spice things up a bit. There's no end to the things
we learn - sometimes about ourselves - that we didn't know.
Lord Slimly: I tend to know everything I'm doing when I'm doing it, but not before.
Lady Mishap: You're quite the inspiration, I agree.
Lord Slimly: I see that. Its inspiration always that I seek. Like I seek you now. You're very
complimentary today.
Lady Mishap: I know. I surprise myself. I always do...You say I inspire you?
Lord Slimly: Why, yes, a muse you are for sure; but I thought you knew.
Lady Mishap: As we were saying before, or at least hinting at, we tend to know of things after
they have happened.
Lord Slimly: And what has happened that you have found out now, mite I inquire?
Lady Mishap: Oh, nothing....Your news! Let me know your news.
Lord Slimly: It sounds so prosaic now I'm put on the spot.
Lady Mishap: Well, it won't be until you say it. Now here is the study. Come in. Take a seat.
Lord Slimly: Yes, alrite....no, wait. Ladies first. I must insist in having an answer to my
question, and I apologise for my forwardossity. Is that a word?
Lady Mishap: More importantly, tho, take a seat.
Lord Slimly: No, why so agitated? Why that tremulos fingering of your Henry James collection?
You'll have that ivory tower wobblin if you don't watch it!..Oh, there it goes.
Lady Mishap: Oh, its all rite, I'll get them up. Here's 'What Maisie Knew' Here's 'The Europeans'
Lord Slimly: I just found 'Daisy Miller' hiding by the table leg.
Lady Mishap: And I've found 'The Golden Bowl' in the fruit bowl.
Lord Slimly: Oh, 'Roderick Hudson's at the door.
Lady Mishap: And 'The Reverberator' by the radiator.
Lord Slimly: You have quite a collection. Ah, 'The Other House' is still in this house.
Lady Mishap: That's my second favourite. Have you seen 'The Princess Cassamassima?'
Lord Slimly: She real, or a book?
Lady Mishap: Oh, no matter, I located her.
Lord Slimly: 'The Turn Of The Screw' went loose under the chair.
Lady Mishap: And 'The Aspern Papers?'
Lord Slimly: Amongst your manuscript papers. 'The Love For Sir Thinn by Lady Mishap?'
This autobiographical?
Lady Mishap: Er, hush and look for my favorite. I must have 'The Portrait'.
Lord Slimly: I've found 'The Spoils Of Poynton' by the safe.
Lady Mishap: Very good, but I fear for my favorite.
Lord Slimly: Oh, I've found 'Confidence' just when I'd given up hope.
Lady Mishap: The Portrait, The Portrait, The Portrait of a Lady....Oh, wait!
Lord Slimly: What?
Lady Mishap: You're about to step on it. I'll get it.
Lord Slimly: Allow me.
Lady Mishap: Ow!
Lord Slimly: Are you alrite? Trust me to bump heads.
Lady Mishap: Er, yes, er alrite. Its only a little mishap.
Lord Slimly: I didn't realise you had such green eyes.
Lady Mishap: They're the color of my gradmother's engagement ring.
Lord Slimly: Interesting.
Lady Mishap: Yes, isn't it.
Lord Slimly: Could I read you Sir Thinn?
Lady Mishap: You could be him.
Lord Slimly: I think I already am.
Lady Mishap: Yes, tho he's something to live up to.
Lord Slimly: What does he do that I don't do?
Lady Mishap: HE kisses ME.      


  
  

Enter 'New Victorian' Devotees On Their Return

Lady Mishap: It was a shame Mrs Primsunday wasn't there to deliver the speech.
Lady Slush: It was kind of Lily to fill in tho.
Lady Mishap: Yes, Mrs Gaye's daughter is a credit to her, tho I do feel our etiquettes
shall suffer from her inexperienced delivery.
Lady Slush: I'll say. I haven't the least notion of how to fold my napkin.
Lady Mishap: It is the main concern, for sure.
Lady Slush: And how am I to eat soup without knowing how to. Is it mouth to spoon or
spoon to mouth do you think?
Lady Mishap: Don't you drink soup rather than eat it? Oh, I don't know.
Lady Slush: Its a mystery of Loch Ness Monster proportions until Mrs Primsunday's return.
Lady Mishap: Yes, I dare say she's doing something very important like discovering the
abominable snowman but she could deign to return to deliver the ruling as to whether its
milk first or tea first for the English cup of tea.
Lady Slush: Now we're nearing the end of the barley water season we need to know!
Otherwise we'll quite die of thirst.
Lady Mishap: The things we have to put up with.
Lady Slush: That reminds me, have you seen Lord Slimly today?
Lady Mishap: Oh, I think he's out romping with The Romper. He's helping choose a new
Silver Ghost car for him.
Lady Slush: Oh, he does love his motors, old Roger.
Lady Mishap: He'd never get round so quickly otherwise.
Lady Slush: He's a veritable busy bee.
Lady Mishap: Tho not as buzzy in annoyance as Slimly is.
Lady Slush: Oh, you love him realy!
Lady Mishap: Oh, do I?.........do I?! 

Enter The Issue At Hand

Lady Mishap: Yes, the writing desk will be arriving this afternoon. I want it in
the study.
Butler Burnett: As you wish, my Lady.
Lady Mishap: Ah, ladies, you know the romantic poets don't you?
Lady Slush: No more than Lord Slimly's witty ditty, no.
Harmony of Hinterburne: He's always wooing with a wowing limerick.
Lady Mishap: Oh, thoughts forbid I should ever receive one! Come to think of it,
why haven't I received one. I feel quite offended by not being affronted.
Lady Slush: Why ARE you in such a poetic mood anyway.
Lady Mishap: On account of my new writing desk arriving. Sundry poets are said to
have spread graffiti all over it.
Lady Slush: I can't wait to read it.
Harmony of Hinterburne: In such a respect the wood of furniture equals the wood of
the book.
Lady Mishap: Yes it does. I'm glad you have such a poetic appreciation.
Lady Slush: Like Lord Slimly has. I'm sure the new kitchen maid's his new muse.
Lady Mishap: I'm sure she won't survive the first limerick.

Enter A Darling Bell

Darling Bell: Lord Slimly, I don't believe you've complimented me for days.
Lord Slimly: I know. I've been strangely lacking.
Darling Bell: You wouldn't be saving all your flirtatiosness for a certain kitchen maid would
you?
Lord Slimly: Anorexia? Well, she is rather slim isn't she.
Darling Bell: She looks like a regular moonlite shadow in those legging things.
Lord Slimly: I do feel bad that I've been neglecting you tho.
Darling Bell: I've not felt so left out since Churlish Steven lost his voice a failed to regale me
with a wolf whistle.
Lord Slimly: Oh, dear. I fear I have been such a thoughtless brute.
Darling Bell: You can say you love me and that will be better.
Lord Slimly: Oh, you know I love to love you.
Darling Bell: Just as well, but the real question is who do you hate? That's how you tell the
one you will marry. Who you most care about.
Lord Slimly: Well, I don't care about Lady Mishap for the moment. She's been criticising
me at a whim. She's quite driven me to stalk the kitchen. And not only to stalk for food.
Darling Bell: Ah, I see?
Lord Slimly: What do you see? Pray tell me.
Darling Bell: Oh, lets SEE inside the house again and we can dislike Lady Mishap some more.
Lord Slimly: Whatto! You've just named my new hobby.

Enter Anorexia Into The Conversation

Lord Slimly: Who's the new kitchen maid? She's awfuly slim.
Lady Mishap: Oh, you've noticed her have you? I can't say I have.
Lady Gently: Me neither. Maybe we're being burgled.
Lady Mishap: Rather, I am!
Lord Slimly: She's here now. Lets ask her, or apprehend her.
Anorexia: Anyone for cake? My inspiration Hydrangea left me in charge. She's away for awhile.
Lord Slimly: Some would say she was never quite 'here', but I will have some thank you.
Lady Mishap: Ah, Gypsy Crumb, my favorite crumble!
Lady Gently: I'm afraid I'm on a diet...therefore I'll have to break it.
Lord Slimly: Oh, Dear, haven't you forgotten your skirt?
Anorexia: No, they're leggings, they're all the rage where I come from.
Lord Slimly: In my day they were worn by men.
Lady Mishap: With your slim legs, thankfuly not anymore.
Lady Gently: I'd rather wear them myself first.
Anorexia: I think they criticise to the point of flirtation. One will have to be deviated from her
course.
Lord Slimly: What was that my dear?
Anorexia: Oh, nothing much.
Lady Mishap: I think we're in the presence of a new burgeoning romance.
Lady Gently: I'm starting to blush for the intimacy.
Anorexia: Well, we are both slim so I suppose. Its that we have in common.
Lord Slimly: Indeed, I'm quite taken.
Anorexia: I'll woo him with my waifishness to prove Lady Hap more jealos than her ladylike
counterpart.
Lady Gently: You'll have to speak up dear. We can't quite hear.

Enter Lord Slimly Before Burnett

Lord Slimly: Ah, Lady Mishap. Butler is about to announce me shortly for sure.
Lady Mishap: Oh, have you been having a game of rugger?
Lord Slimly: No. You know I'm an association football man. You'll remember I bored you about
my cup triumph with the Royal Engineers. The one where we put out the King's Lawn Rovers on
a toss of a coin.
Lady Mishap: Yes, I do believe you showed great skill in the choosing what side the coin would
land on.
Lady Gently: She was referring to your rather whirlwindswept attire.
Lord Slimly: Yes, I was aware.
Lady Mishap: Oh, have you met? If not, you're awfuly familiar.
Lady Gently: Yes, I bethought him the hired help.
Lord Slimly: And I bethought the queen mother.
Lady Mishap: Oh, you two are jesting for sure. Anyone would think you were lovers.
Lady Gently: If we were we'd be on the point of divorce.
Lord Slimly: Oh, I've heard love dies up in the early stages of the marriage.
Lady Gently: Oh, believe me it'd be church and the divorce courts in a day!
Lady Mishap: Now I know you only jest. Oh, you two are so funny.
Lord Slimly: You have a pen in your hand, you're not writing again are you?
Lady Mishap: No, only to write a check. Poetry has seen the death of me for now after turning a
deaf ear to me in the parish magazine.
Lord Slimly: I heard it got taken out for an urgent recipe from Mrs. Primsunday on the making of
Bath Buns. They are the cakes of the season you know.
Lady Gently: Yes, and the way she makes them are the done thing.
Lady Mishap: Pray what brings you here Lord Slimly.
Lord Slimly: Oh, only the pressing concerns of the New Victorians Society. They have arranged an
impromptu talk tomorrow on etiquette. Whether one should cough inwardly or outwardly.
Lady Mishap: Sounds fascinating.
Lady Gently: If not a little dangeros. I can't wait.
Lady Mishap: Yes, the talks are so helpful. I gained such great use from the last talk on the discreet
use of the handkerchikef in public and polite society.
Lady Gently: Yes, I know. Your elegance has been noted.
Lady Mishap: That is such a relief! I have been plagued by so many colds of late.
Lord Slimly: I shall have to let Hydrangea know you're both expected then.
Lady Gently: Hydrangea?
Lady Mishap: Mrs. Primsunday's Christian name.
Lady Gently: Oh, good. With real hydrangeas I would need handkerchiefs myself. They do make me
come out with hayfever alergies so.
Lady Mishap: That's funny in that they're not hay!
 
  
  

Enter A Materialising Maid

Anorexia: Rite, I'm a scullery maid.
Lord Slimly: Uggggh, owwweeeee.
Anorexia: What pray are you doing getting thru that big catflap?
Lord Slimly: I only wish the tabby was more tubby then I wouldn't have to wish I had an even
slimmer tummy.
Anorexia: Lord Slimly isn't it? I'm so glad to meet you.
Lord Slimly: You sound like you want my autograph. I only give that to the bank cashier. And
how did you know my name? This is so very queer.
Anorexia: I couldn't had said it better.
Lord Slimly: What?
Anorexia: I mean you're so famos aren't you Lord Slimly, it no wonder that I've heard of you?
Lord Slimly: Well, yes, I do like to think I spread pretty far.
Anorexia: You're fame is quite fat I'd say.
Lord Slimly: I'd plump for the word plump I think.
Anorexia: You're quite rite, I think I'll cross that out.
Lord Slimly: Are you sure you're made to be a maid. You do seem awfuly discombobulated.
Anorexia: What does that mean?
Lord Slimly: I'm not sure. I'm always trying to impress women with long words and I read it
just in a book. You do like to read don't you?
Anorexia: Oh, I like to write more books than I read. That's the definition of a writer I think.
Lord Slimly: Well, don't give up the day job.
Anorexia: Actualy writing is my day job. I'm just filling in her on maidal duties.
Lord Slimly: Well, can you direct me to the conservatory from here?
Anorexia: Ah, yes, you'll want to meet up with Lady Mishap.
Lord Slimly: Not necessarily. Lady Gently is there also.
Anorexia: Do you hate her?
Lord Slimly: No
Anorexia: Well it can't be she you're looking for then.
Lord Slimly: I think Lady Gently does hate me tho.
Anorexia: Ah, we have a problem then.
Lord Slimly: Pardon?
Anorexia: Third on the rite. After the busk of Sarah Siddons.
Lord Slimly: Thank you. I bid you good day.
Anorexia:Yes, bye.........hmmm not so good day. Lady Gently hating Lord Slimly? Therefore
meaning that she loves him. Must get Lady Mishap to the forefront of his affections quick smart,
but how so? Let me think.

Enter The Conservatory

Lady Mishap: Now what is this matter you wish to talk with me about? You must tell me.
Lady Gently: It is rather delicate, you may consider it quite obtuse.
Lady Mishap: Tell me gently then, Lady Gently.
Lady Gently: It concerns, I'm afraid the matter of money.
Lady Mishap: Oh, dear, that is distasteful indeed. But pray continue. I can't wait.
Lady Gently: Daddy, being of an age and unsound mind has rather squandered the royal readies,
rendered our fortune incapacitated, put quite a dent in it.
Lady Mishap: A dent?
Lady Gently: Put a veritable hole in it. In short, the Estate's in a state.
Lady Mishap: Goodness, how unfortunate!
Lady Gently: Quite. The only thing stopping us from stooping into penury is that I've arrested the
last of Daddy's roulette chips, or else, otherwise, we'd be chips.
Lady Mishap: Have you means to go on, to breathe?
Lady Gently: We're quite out of essentials like petrol. I had to arrive here by omnibus.
Lady Mishap: You poor thing.
Lady Gently: But I might not have to be.
Lady Mishap: What?
Lady Gently: Poor, I mean.
Lady Mishap: Oh.
Lady Gently: Not that I come here asking for money.
Lady Mishap: Of course not. I horror at the thought.
Lady Gently: I've actualy come here to sell, nay offer.
Lady Mishap: An offering?
Lady Gently: Yes, of wood. A wood offering. You know the Chippendale writing desk you so much
admired.
Lady Mishap: The one with the ink blots of three romantic poets stained on its surface?
Lady Gently: Yes, the inks of inspiration. Well, it could be yours if you'd help Daddy out of his dilemma.
Lady Mishap: But how much in debt are you? Would the price for the desk suffice?
Lady Gently: The depth of the debt? Not deep. But the price to get Daddy to the rehabilitation
center certainly is steep.
Lady Mishap: So Daddy's going away for a while is he?
Lady Gently: For recuperation, yes, and long enough for me to get his affairs in order.
Lady Mishap: Well, I must have the desk. Let me get my chequebook.
Lady Gently: Oh, I'm glad to be of service.
Lady Mishap: I can feel the ghosts of those poets returning even now. 
 

Enter Familiar Stranger

Lady Mishap: Its so good to see you again....where did I first see you?
Lady Gently: At Lady Gosome's polo match. You held my mallett for me whilst I drew some
old orange.
Lady Mishap: Ah yes, the match. Did Lord Luckbody get over his defeat?
Lady Gently: I think he married the opposing captain's sweetheart. Lady List as she was he never
been swept off her feet so much, not since the Woolingsworth Whirlwind.
Lady Mishap: I remember that. It turned Seven Oaks into Six and a Half Oaks.
Lady Gently: Oh, trees regenerate, I am sure.
Lady Mishap: Like Lord Twist?
Lady Gently: The winning captain? I hear he's wielding the mallet more visciosly since his enforced
singlehood. He quite frites with fear. He's won a whole list of admirers despite or perhaps BECAUSE
of his being banned.
Lady Mishap: What a queer world we live in.
Lady Gently: And long may it be so.
Lady Mishap: Yes, you'll have to take a drink with me in the conservatory. It has a lovely view of the
garden.
Lady Gently: Ah, how nice. Nowadays its more important for the garden to have a lovely view of the
conservatory.
Lady Mishap: Yes, it does seem to be the major concern.
Lady Gently: Maybe not. I have a pressing one I want to put to you.
Lady Mishap: Sounds important. I shall need that drink.
Lady Gently: Well direct me in direction of the charming glass house then and I'm sure you'll find
my discourse quite refreshing.
Lady Mishap: I'll drink to that.
Lord Slimly: Two ladies with just conversation to keep them company? I must get into that. But
where's the door to gain entry and where's Burnett to announce me just after I have arrived? 

Enter Tresspasser

Lord Slimly: Hallo Gordon!
Green Gordon: Lord Slimly.
Lord Slimly: You'll have to direct me to the rose of the season. I have an empty buttonhole.
Green Gordon: We have this one named Tipsy Ballerina, a pale blue rose with an elegant
perfume.
Lord Slimly:Sounds like Lady Hap to a tee, she's always snooding up on wild motor rides.
Green Gordon: Still harping after her ladyship then?
Lord Slimly: I'll harp until heaven for my angel one.
Green Gordon: The you'll be requiring this rose then?
Lord Slimly: Let me smell it. Ah..the scent of love. I'll be sure to be proposing to Lady Hap
by sundown if none of my other loves don't get in the way.
Green Gordon: Yes, you do have a list don't you.
Lord Slimly: The List? Oh its more a rollcall of romantic succession. Not that I get further
than the flirting stage tho. Its only to keep Lady Hap keen you know.
Green Gordon: You tend her roseship well.
Lord Slimly: Thank you. I do feel as tho I've cultivated the art of courtship quite well. Its only
Lady Mishap does throw me a load of thorns in the way.
Green Gorden: They're to prevent the wrong person from scenting the petal.
Lord Slimly: Is that allowed? Language, Gordon!
Green Gordon: I was merely speaking horticulturaly. You need to nip the situation in the bud.
Cut to the chase.
Lord Slimly: Oh, I never want to cut the chase. That's the fun bit.
Green Gordon: Mind you don't dally too long then. Lord Romper is roaming on the horizon.
Lord Slimly: The Romper? He's had five wives already. Its quite unfortunate how they all
leave him at the point his bank balance's bulging.
Green Gordon: Lady Mishap has her own riches tho. She wouldn't abscond with the readies.
Lord Slimly: You're rite. There's nothing more terrifying than a perfect match that could last
forever involving the one you love and someone else. Marriages should be quite unsuitable.
Its what keeps them interesting and hanging in the balance.
Green Gordon: And that would be the gift you would give.
Lord Slimly: Exactly! I must have that flower now. It is the only thing standing in the way now
from another divorce tottering on the point of marriage.
Green Gordon: You make it sound so romantic.
Lord Slimly: Oh, keeping it from the settlement courts. That's what love is for.
Green Gordon: I wonder why you bother.
Lord Slimly: Ask a flower why it opens only to fall apart again. Tally-ho!  

Enter Lady Gently

Lady Gently: Yes, I'm an old friend of Lady Mishap's, only I'm not that old. I've not
yet reached thirty yet at which time all our ages turn backwards.

Butler Burnett: I'll let my lady know you're art home, I mean at her home.

Lady Gently: Yes, do do that. I'll make myself at home in the meantime. Now this is the
drawing room. Oh, the door, where's Butler when I need him?

Lord Slimly: Hallo, I'm not the bailliffs.

Lady Gently: Yes, you're rite. You're far too well dressed to be a man cut from that cloth.

Lord Slimly: Oh, are you a lady burglar or has Lady Mishap removed herself in the nite?

Lady Gently: As I said you're far too overdressed to get a decent reply. You really are
quite showy.

Lord Slimly: Please tell me I'm not presently in the dream of a nitemare kind.

Lady Gently: It seems we are both in the same nitemare. We have both called on Lady
Mishap at tha same time.

Lord Slimly: We are alike then. I didn't realise we had so much in common.

Lady Gently: For me, tho, plagiarism will not be tolerated.

Lord Slimly: I shall go into the garden then and await my call. Do tell Burnett of my
arrival. It is sure to irritate him enough to give me an audience with my Lady and so
aid the begonning of me.

Lady Gently: I'll try to translate it to him, you have my word.

Lord Slimly: Then I have a date with a rose then. I'll seek out Gordon the Gardener and
give him some tips upon color.

Lady Gently: Oh, I don't doubt you think you can improve upon nature.

Lord Slimly: Oh, thank you. You say the nicest things!

Enter Cakes Not To Be Sniffed At

Lady Mishap: Good news, Lady Slush, here's Mrs. Prim with her scrumptos somethings.

Lady Slush: Oh, bother! I was just getting used to my gentlemen.

Lady Mishap: Well, put him down, the cakes are of more pressing concern.

Lord Tattle: I'll have a scone or is it a scon.

Lady Mishap: Whatever it is, it'll be gone if you don't get a move opn. Cakes won't wait all day.

Lady Slush: I know, there's a fabled gypsy tart that I've never seen.

Lady Mishap: I know, rumor has it its so delicios Mrs. Prim devours it before she even come out.
She protests it gives her the strength to do the serving.

Mrs. Primsunday: Cakes everone!

Lord Tattle: And to do the crying.

Mrs. Primsunday: I've got two butterfly's wedding cakes made out of sugar gossamer and a big
batch of frog bunting. They're peppermint shorties connected by white icing.

Lord Slimly: Sounds like an edible pond.

Mrs. Primsunday: Hardly, they're sprinled with hundreds and thousands rather than flotsam and
jetsum.

Lord Slimly: What's with the mass marmalade?

Mrs. Primsunday: They're fondant fox's sets. They've not been hunted out of existence by the
cookbook critics yet.

Lord Slimly: Now is this something my friend Anorexia would eat? You know I'm always
watching my figure.

Mrs. Primsunday: I'm sure you're the only one who is. There's nothing to you...No, the sets
are made out of brown spun sugar, so, yes, I think you won't puff up like a puffball if you
partake of one.

Lord Slimly: I'd better take three then.

Mrs. Primsunday: That's generous..to yourself.

Lord Slimly: No, only one's for me. The other two are for my best friend Lady Slush to keep
me looking slim.

Mrs. Primsunday: Ah, you're learning from the master then.

Lord Slimly: You taught me everything I know.

Mrs. Primsunday: Even the metaphysics?

Lord Slimly: Oh, you don't know what a homespun philosopher you are!   

Enter Lady Gently Perspiring

Lady Slush: Phew! Is it over yet?
Lord Romper (The Romper): It can't be. They haven't played Flash Gordon yet!
Lady Slush: Oh, yes. I'd forgotten the traditional curtain call.
Lady Mishap: You look a trifle tipsy. Do mind how you toddle along.
Lady Slush: Show me an eligible Lord and you might see me breathe out of static. Otherwise, I'm
going down on the grass.
Lady Mishap: You want to be more like Darling Bell. She's turned down four proposals already. And
one was even a proposal to build her a new house.
Lord Romper (The Romper): I think today she's engaged too much in dance.
Lady Mishap: That ra-ra dress has never stopped working.
Lady Slush: Whilst I have trouble holding onto my headband.
Lady Mishap: Oh, you've lost your feather, or is it your flower?
Lady Slush: I'm using it as a cocktail stick.
Lord Tattle: This would realy be a breakthru... Spiffing dance, Lady Hap.
Lady Mishap: Thank you..You look quite danced-out tho. Why don't you sit down with this fine lady.
Lord Tattle: Don't mind if I do. Legs are a little drunk you know.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Sit next to her, not ON her, Man!
Lady Slush: Leave him alone. He's my drunk. I'll make room for him.
Lady Mishap: Lady Cupid strikes again...Oh, Flash Gordon!   

Enter Queenly Music

Darling Bell: Dashing music this. Do hope the rain'll hold off....Don't stop me nowow, oh I do like
modern music.
Lord Slimly: It beats all the old 50's style stuff in the hit parade rite now.
Darling Bell: Sorry, can't talk, I'm dancing.
Lady Slush: Oh, I can talk. I'm quite out of puff. Tho I don't know how many words I'm good for down
to my constatnt gasping.
Lord Slimly: Think I'm dancing too. You know I'm a shadow.
Lady Slush: I had thought you freer.
Lord Slimly: Well, we are free to choose...She keeps Moet and Chandon, this is a good one.
Lady Slush: Well, I'll sit down then like a frog on a toadstool. Must get me a man. Or, rather, must
make a man get me. Man, man, two arms, two legs, breathing thing. Mind you, he'd have to be a
Lord tho.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Talking to yourself again? You should go over and see Roger. Its Pimms
O'Clock at every O'clock over there.
Lady Slush: Oh, I would but I can't make my legs take me.
Harmony of Hinterburne: I'm quite giddy myself, but more from the drink than the dancing.
Lady Slush: You always got your spirits from a bottle.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Yes, if that wasn't my motto I'd take offence.
Lady Slush: Oh, I feel all fagged out. I've the stamina of a slug.
Harmony of Hinterburne: You should see Lady Sludge, quite passed out.
Lady Slush: Really? How's Lord Smudge getting on?
Harmony of Hinterburne: Oh, I wouldn't bother. Him's O'clock if you know what I mean. Roger drank
him under the table tho he protests he's preparing for the predicted litening.
Lady Slush: The clouds have been threatening all day.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Think Darling Bell would dance thru the rain.
Lady Slush: Oh, I'd require a brolly.   

Enter The Charleston

Lady Mishap: So glad you could come.
Percy Pea'ssoup: And so glad the rain couldn't.
Lady Mishap: I know. Its been quite a dear! I'll have to reinstate it on my wishlist. But not today.
Butler Burnett: Lord and Lady Pips-Bloodorange.
Lady Mishap: Good to see you Parsley Penelope
Lady Pips-Bloodorange: Oh, its Parsley Persephone now. I'm using my maiden middle name.
Lord Pips: She means her mother's.
Lady Pips: Yes, Penicillin Persephone Monmarmeduke who by a quirk of fate and marriage became
Mrs. Marmalade. It took me ages to find a man with a name befitting my family name.
Lord Pips: It wasn't the only reason she married me tho.
Lady Pips: Yes, there was the money, the manliness I mean.
Lady Mishap: Fascinating, I'm sure.
Lord Pips: Are you realy?
Lady Mishap: I'm not sure.
Butler Burnett: Duke and Duchess Modest-Ponsonby of the TwentyFirst Legion of Great Grandfathers.
Lady Mishap: What was that Burnett, I wasn't listening?
Butler Burnett: Oh, don't make me say it again, my Lady.
Lady Mishap: Oh, please try. I find your announcements the ambience of the day.
Butler Burnett: Duck and Duke-ess Mid-Primly of the TwentyTwo Grey Ghosts.
Duke Modest: I think that suits us better. We're always scaring our hosts into not receiving us.
Duchess Modest: Yes, scare out hosts like we're hosts ourselves.
Duke Modest: We've grayed over age not by design.
Duchess Modest: I always protest I have, but it doesn't wash, unlike my claimed hair rinse.
Lady Mishap: This is all too fascinating to hear. Now where are those rainclouds.
Duchess Modest: You're whispering my dear, no-one can hear.
Lady Modest: Good, the quietest truths are always wrapped up in the loudest of whispers.
Duchess Modest: Can't hear you again! 

Enter A Tearful Tissy

Miss Tissy: I can't believe you didn't invite me on the ride.
Harmony of Hinterburne: I know.
Lady Mishap: Miss Tissy. We quite forgot her. What a mishap.
Darling Bell: We'll have to make it up to her with compliments.
Lord Slimly: Or downgrade the whole picnic experience.
Harmony of Hinterburne: That shouldn't be difficult.
Miss Tissy: What's difficult?
Lady Mishap: To keep the secret from you.
Lord Slimly: What secret?
Lady Mishap: The Charleston on the lawn tomorrow, Miss Tissy, you're quite invited.
Miss Tissy: Oh, goody. I like a good old Charleston.
Lady Mishap: Well, I know.
Lord Romper (The Romper): She does...now.
Lady Mishap: It'll be a great get together, hopefuly, and not just in the couples sense.
Miss Tissy: Tho the opposite gender will be available won't it?..for dancing I mean.
Lady Mishap: But of course. We can't have all us girls ring-a-rosing round the two Lords here.
Lord Slimly: Yes, we have enough of that in normal life.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Well, it'll be quite a break for you then.
Darling Bell: I'll say! Its bound to be a twinkling time.
Lady Slush: Well, if you're going to be Tinkerbell I'd better fetch out my pink dancing shoes.
Lady Mishap: So that's sorted then. We'll meet after afternoon tea and dance til Mrs. Prim's
cakes can be scented by our gasping nostrils.
Lord Slimly: It sounds exhaustive.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Well, I've got a good deal of weight to work off; I'm game!
Lady Mishap: O.K. Its well and truly on then. Yes, I think I can safely say its the done thing!

Enter The Wayfarers Quite Wet-through

Darling Bell: Spiffing ride, and I can't believe my snood held.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Held my hair right in place, I agree.
Lord Slimly: Bit of a crush tho, wouldn't you agree?
Lady Slush: I wouldn't know; I'm always left plenty of room.
Lady Mishap: So glad to get out of that rain Roger.
Lord Romper (The Romper): You only had ten steps to go over the gravel.
Lady Mishap: Ten steps too far tho.
Lord Slimly: Are we four all shadows today? You two always seem in the driving seat as to where we're going.
Lady Mishap: Its just I can smell the cakes. I even believe I scented them from Plumpudding Lane when I
asked Roger to hurry up.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Yes, you lot'd better hurry up to if you want any leftover. We're liable
to scoff them up on demand after the paltry picnic I brought.
Darling Bell: I do hope there'll be lemon fairies.
Lady Mishap: Well get a move on or they'll all fly away.
Lord Slimly: What are you really in a hurry for Miss. Hap?
Lady Mishap: I, I don't believe I can comprehend your question. Must run!
Lord Romper (The Romper): Ah, she's running away from love.
Lord Slimly: Really? Who's the unlucky feller?

Enter Fingers Into Dough

Burnett: I hope folks will not be getting wet now the rains have come.
Mrs. Primsunday: Oh, they shoulder so many crosses on their picnics.
Burnett: I blame the English weather. Its slow at coming forward in deciding what its doing.
Mrs. Primsunday: It doesn't rise with regularity as cakes do.
Cook Haste: How's that pastry coming along?
Mrs. Primsunday: Have patience Hattie Haste. All good cakes are cooked with time.
Burnett: And eaten not regarding it.
Hattie: Better mind the indigestion then.
Mrs. Primsunday: Was that it then?
Burnett: No, its the car returning, roaring up the drive.
Mrs. Primsunday: Well, we'd better get these cakes cooked then.
Hattie: I just said!
Burnett: Now you know they've arrived I'd better announce them.
Mrs. Primsunday: Well announce them to themselves please do. Folk are liable to forget who they
are during heady drives.
Burnett: As you will, you are my superior after all.
Mrs. Primsunday: Well, only so far as they prefer the cakes I bake over the wine you pour.
Hattie: Perhaps we should find a way of putting the wine inside the cakes then we'd all be more
appreciated all round.
Burnett: Oh, I wouldn't be used enough to that. I find it my duty to be largely ignored.
  

Enter Rainclouds

Lady Mishap: Anyone for cucumber sandwiches before the rain sets in?
Lord Romper (The Romper): I don't mind if I do. I'll take two.
Darling Bell: I'll have a sarnie!
Lady Mishap: I'm afraid we're all out of them. We just experienced a sudden rush.
Darling Bell: Oh, that's a shame. Cucumber is my favorite fruit.
Lady Mishap: We have tomato sandwiches. Tomato's a fruit.
Lord Slimly: I fancy a vegetable; have you an apple.
Lady Mishap: I don't think we've got one large enough to stop up your mouth.
Lord Slimly: Oh, you're cruel...and I love it.
Lord Romper (The Romper): See, I told you.
Lady Mishap: Oh, hush, we just love to hate each other.
Lady Slush: I can feel a few drip drops.
Harmony of Hinterburne: We'd better get back undercover.
Lord Romper (The Romper): If only you could cover up what's lovely obvious.
Lady Mishap: I need no tarpaulin when there's nothing there.

Picnic At Puffball Lane

Lady Mishap: Lovely place this, Roger, for a picnic.
Lord Romper (The Romper): I made it myself.
Lady Mishap: You mean you discovered it more like.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Yes, I'm always uncovering things begging to be discovered.
Darling Bell: Steer clear of all the toadstools. They're frightfuly poisonous you know.
Lady Slush: I'm sure that more than one of them are mushrooms, but I know what you mean.
Lord Slimly: Its perfectly beastly that they've given out rain for later. You'd have thought with
modern technology we'd have controled the weather by now.
Harmony of Hinterburne: I swear by my barometer of a morning.
Darling Bell: By that she means what it tells her makes her curse.
Lady Slush: Well, lets eat up then if the clouds are coming to ruin our fun.
Lord Slimly: Its always fun to beat the weather, even tho it does give one indigestion doing so.

Along Flirtatious Lane

Lady Mishap: Its a rip-roaring car this Roger.
Lord Romper(The Romper): Why, thank you.
Lady Mishap: You four alright squeezed together in the back?
Darling Bell: Having a whale of a time trying to retain our snoods at the speed we're romping
along at.
Lady Mishap: Well, good to know you're occupied. Now, Samuel, don't go flirting with the three
lovely ladies behind my back will you.
Lord Slimly: I'd find it difficult being perfectly jammed in here.
Lady Mishap: We'll have to rename you Hartleys. Just as well you're slim tho.
Lord Slimly: Yes, tho I'm quite paying for the woman's curves I so covet right now.
Harmony of Hinterburne: I'll have you know I'm a regular regular where I come from.
Lady Slush: And I suffer in comparrison against your emaciated aspect Lord Slimly.
Lord Slimly: Well, just as well I am skeletal or this door would come clean off.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Hand tight! Here comes a bend!
Lady Mishap: Oh, how kind of you for the warning.
Lord Romper (The Romper): Not really, I'm really warning I like to take bends fast.
Lady Mishap: Weeeeeeeeeh.
Darling Bell: Yee-ah.
Lady Slush: Aah.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Uh?
Lord Slimly: Ugh.
Lady Mishap: Hah, looks like Slimly's got even slimmer.
Lord Romper (The Romper): You say bad things about him so much it makes me think you're
in love with him.    

Enter An Unfortunate Roaring Noise

Darling Bell: Oh look, its Lord Romper in his Rolls.
Lady Slush: It makes him quite dashing doesn't it.
Harmony of Hinterburne: I only date men in  Mercedes Benz's these days.
Lord Slimly: Wonder what Romper's up here for anyway. There's no dinner in the offing.
Darling Bell: He seems to be talking to Hydrangea Primsunday. I'm sure she'll see him
right with a few cakes.
Lord Slimly: Yes, it can be quite fattening encountering the old cook.
Lady Slush: Oh, she's only as old as she is distinguished.
Harmony of Hinterburne: And not so crumbly as her pasteries.
Lord Slimly: Pasteries? You make them sound so exotic.
Harmony of Hinterburne: They do always arrive as if they've been shipped from somewhere exoitc.
Lord Slimly: A little worse for wear, I know.
Lady Slush: Come along. The Romper's ushering us to come and have a ride in his rolls.
Darling Bell: Yes, fetch your driving snoods. It is a hoodless convertable you know.
Lord Slimly: Well, I suppose a ride in the rolls beats eating Mrs Primsunday's dry rolls waiting for
us here.
Harmony of Hinterburne: How on earthe has he turned his Rolls into a convertible? And, secondly,
is it the done thing?



    

Enter Butler Burnett

Butler Burnett: Mrs Primsunday Maam.
Lady Mishap: I know. We just met.
Butler Burnett: Shall your Ladyship be not requiring me for anything else.
Lady Mishap: Unless you're to tell me its night fall after I've lit my lantern, no that would be all.
Butler Burnett: As you wish.
Mrs Primsunday: What a lovely man. So straightforward.
Lady Mishap: Though strangely never forward. I am sure he collects in antique dust.
Mrs Primsunday: Like a goodly great grandfather clock I'm sure.
Lady Mishap: Yes, one that tells the time of another age.
Mrs Primsunday: Oh, the sun always sets happier on the past. We all would like its illumination
upon the present.
Lady Mishap: Up-to-dateness should be the present of the present. I'm thinking of jazzing this
place up.
Mrs Primsunday: What, into the jazz era?
Lady Mishap: If I get it kicking and screaming from the old Victorian age, that'll be a start. Yes,
you can send word out via the gossip-helpline that there will be Charleston on the lawns come
afternoon tea tomorrow. All ladies may bring their attentive gentlemen and all unattended
gentlemen may follow their unattended ladies. Its sure to be a right romp.
Mrs Primsunday: Won't it be a mishap? I'm sure they gave out rain.
Lady Mishap: Cobblers. The only thing weather forecasters forecast are their wrong forecasts.
Mrs Primsunday: What you will. I'll whisper a few invites then.
Lady Mishap: I'm sure you'll stir up a storm in an English teacup's interest by the speed your lips
move.
Mrs Primsunday: They don't move as quick as my baking fingers tho.
Lady Mishap: Quite right. That reminds me. Bring cakes and refreshments with you. I'll settle
with you later. You will be coming I gather.
Mrs Primsunday: Well, I can't have the Charlestoning couples empty bellied can I?
Lady Mishap: Quite right, they'll be working up quite an appetite and not just for loving.
Mrs Primsunday: Yes, quite.
Lady Mishap: Right, weather arranged. Food arranged. Now for the difficult thing. The music.
Mrs Primsunday: Sweet Lady is always a modern classic to start with.
Lady Mishap: Yes, you're right. And then Seaside Rendezvous.
Mrs Primsunday: Lazing On A Sunday Afternoon?
Lady Mishap: And then Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy!
Mrs Primsunday: I'd finish with the Dreamer's Ball.
Lady Mishap: Not til after we've had The Millionaire Waltz.
Mrs Primsunday: Oh, You Take My Breath Away.
Lady Mishap: Yes, we'll have that too.
Mrs Primsunday: Fine, all's settled then.
Lady Mishap: Now, off then and bring me my guests.......Oh, its a hard life arranging all these things.
   
 

Act One Scene Two

Outside the great house, Mrs. Primsunday arrives to enquire about Sunday tea.
Mrs. Primsunday: Hollar! Hello! I know its not the done thing to shout. So many
apologies if anyone's around.
Lady Mishap: Pray, what's the racket? The Calm's quite disturbed.
Mrs. Primsunday: Not as disturbed as I will be if I don't get my cakes in order.
Lady Mishap: In order?
Mrs. Primsunday: The order for the cakes for Sunday tea, after church and the
meeting of the New Victorians, the main event you know.
Lady Mishap: The eating of cakes is always the major concern, you're quite correct.
Mrs. Primsunday: I knew I was right, I almost always am.
Lady Mishap: Almost?
Mrs. Primsunday: Well, always. I was pretending to be modest.
Lady Mishap: Oh, never pretend. In the end you might have to act out your real personality.

Re-enter Harmony of Hinterburne linking arms with Miss Tissy

Harmony of Hinterburne: Look who I've found just out there listening in on our conversations.
Miss Tissy: Oh, you know I'm such a fan.
Lord Slimly: I can quite understand we're too irresistable not to evesdrop upon.
Lady Mishap: It seems inelegant tho, not to achieve an instant introduction.
Lady Slush: Well, now we'll give her her induction now. What's your view of marriage, Miss. Tissy,
pray tell.
Miss Tissy; I fear its quite beyond my reach, being endowed with the powers of beauty as I have.
Darling Bell: Yes, they do look like they require new batteries.
Miss Tissy: If only I was empowered in thge first place. I have the impression I was painted by an
expressionist when it comes to my looks.
Lady Mishap: You'll express your impression in personality then.
Miss Tissy: Yes. I have to. I have a lot of practice.

Enter Lady Slush

Lady Slush: Did I hear my name?
Lord Slimly; Its heard all over, you're quite describable.
Lady Slush: I like to think I'm not that defined.
Lady Mishap: We always want some mystery don't we.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Only not being so mysterious to be permanently manless.
Darling Bell: We were just talking about plans romantically.
Lord Slimly: Oh, I do hope I was involved in them.
Lady Mishap: Well you are the only man we're seeing at present.
Harmony of Hinterburne: Even so, you're name didn't come up.
Lord Slimly: Oh, now I'm feeling quite let down.
Lady Slush: I'm always at your beck and call as your etiquette pupil.
Lord Slimly: Oh, how you humor me. You're a dear.
Lady Slush: Well, being uncommonly common I have a lot to learn.
Darling Bell: You called her dear. You're not dear yourself, as in you're charging, are you?
Lord Slimly: You know a man should never talk about money unless he's asking for it.
Lady Slush: I protest, Lord Slimly is quite free with his decorum do's and don'ts.
Lord Slimly: Yes, especially when I'm gaining favors for it.
Lady Mishap: I can imagine you're quite impossible.
Lord Slimly: To work out, yes.
(Harmony of Hinterburne passes out...not in the fainting sense, she perambulates out of boredom)